Shaping Children Pediatrician Advises On Ways To Guide A Youngster’s Behavior

A wise parent is like a gardener.

The gardener can’t control the color of the flower or the season that it blooms. But he can water and feed the soil to help the plant blossom more beautifully.

“It’s important parents realize discipline means shaping your baby’s behavior, not controlling it,” says Dr. William Sears, co-author of “The Discipline Book” (Little, Brown, $13.95.) “We control situations, we don’t control people.”

Sears will deliver the keynote lecture, “Discipline: New Insights, New Techniques” at Family-a-Fair Friday. He is a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, a pediatrician and author of 12 books.

Sears is best known for advocating a style of child-rearing called “attachment parenting.” He and his wife Martha, his co-author, have devised a similarly named discipline approach.

“Discipline is primarily having the right relationship with your children and secondarily having the right techniques,” Sears says, from his home office in Capistrano Beach, Calif. “So many books take the opposite approach.”

Sears contrasts his approach with three contemporary discipline styles:

An authoritarian parent dominates the child, who complies out of fear of punishment.

A parent using a communication approach assumes the role of amateur psychologist. He’s likely to replace an angry “Don’t hit your brother,” to a carefully rehearsed “You must be very angry with your brother.” These parents often wind up losing their authority, and raising disrespectful children.

A parent with a behavior modification approach uses techniques such as time-out, positive reinforcement and natural consequences. These techniques are helpful, but the parent may run out of energy to apply them consistently and wind up treating the child as a project rather than a person.

Attachment discipline, however, is based on a strong emotional connection between parent and child. With an intimate sense of their children’s thoughts and feelings, parents can tailor discipline to fit each child.

“A connected parent is able to get behind the eyes of the child and see things from the child’s viewpoint,” Sears says.

William and Martha Sears have eight children. They based the advice in “The Discipline Book” on their 31 years of child-rearing experience and Sears’ 25 years of pediatric practice.

Martha Sears, a registered nurse and certified childbirth educator, is particularly adept at empathizing with their children, William Sears says.

When 2-year-old Lauren spilled a bottle of milk on the floor one day, Martha was at the child’s side with a few soft, consoling words and directions on wiping up the mess. Her secret: “I asked myself, ‘If I were Lauren, how would I want my mother to react?’ “

This calm approach can be developed in the earliest years with tools Sears calls “The Baby Bs:”

Birth-bonding, which means holding your newborn, skin-to-skin, as many hours in the day as possible.

Breast-feeding, which Sears calls “an exercise in baby-reading” and which stimulates the production of prolactin and oxytocin. Sears calls them the hormones of “motherly intuition.”

Baby-wearing, which means carrying the baby in a sling next to your body whenever possible.

“Parents all over the world wear their babies in a sling because they’ve learned babies behave better when they’re carried,” Sears says.

Bed-sharing, which brings the infant in bed with the parents at night, which is particularly helpful for working parents who need to make up for lost “touch time” during the day.

Boundary-building, which sets up limits and expectations, such as “yes touch” and “no touch” areas of the house for toddlers.

And balance, which means remembering that what the child needs most are happy parents.

“The best of mothers are the most prone to burnout,” Sears says. “It’s especially important for mothers to take care of themselves.”

To the harried new mother who can’t figure out how to find time to jump in the shower, Sears says, “What your baby needs is a rested mother. Take a shower. Your baby will get along just fine.”

The most effective fathers assume significant child-care responsibilities and develop their own sensitivity to their babies, Sears says. They can do that by getting up in the middle of the night to handle certain feedings, and by creating unique ways to comfort their babies.

Sears recommends “the neck nestle,” which seems to fit fathers’ anatomy best. He discovered it one day when he was struggling to soothe a sobbing baby.

“You nestle the baby’s head in the crook of your neck, drape your chin over the baby’s skull, and sing something low-pitched like, ‘Old Man River,”’ he says. “The vibration of the male cheekbones against the baby’s head will lull the baby right to sleep.”

Sears’ discipline style evolves from this early connection. It features many common-sense child-rearing techniques: helping kids express their feelings, giving guidance, using natural consequences, providing choices, and giving and requiring respect.

It can continue right through the teen years.

The emphasis on independence, an American obsession, can result in disconnected, angry teens, Sears says. Emotionally connected parents can be supportive of kids’ greater independence and help guide them to a healthy sense of interdependence.

It’s never too late to re-establish a sense of connection, Sears says. It may take “camping out” with your child for a year or so, but the results will be worth it.

The payoff comes in compassionate kids who think about the effects of their behavior on others, who make wise choices and who care about the well-being of others.

“Discipline,” Sears says, “is the best long-term investment you’re ever going to make.”

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MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: SPEAKING OF KINGS Dr. William Sears will speak at 7 p.m. Friday at the Spokane Convention Center. Admission is $6. William and Martha Sears will present two workshops Saturday at the Ag Trade Center. “Coos, Goos and Jangled Nerves: A Primer for New Parents,” will be from 8 to 10 a.m. and “Floating on Quicksand: Surviving the Parenting Obstacle Course,” will be from 10:30 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Admission for each workshop is $10.