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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Watch How You Argue In Presence Of Children

Ladies' Home Journal

“There is no civility in this marriage,” says Aline, 37, a homemaker and mother of four girls ranging in age from 4 to 14.

“Alan and I fight all the time, and the girls are picking quarrels with us and with each other. The house is filled with unbearable tension, and, frankly, I think we’d all benefit if Alan and I separated.”

Alan, who retired last year as a full colonel in the Air Force and is now working as a stockbroker, “still conducts himself as if he were on active duty barking orders to his troops,” Aline reports.

“Last week, my husband had a fit because his fancy new lawn mower broke when I was using it,” Aline adds. “He’d missed a spot on the lawn when he did it on Saturday so, on Sunday, I finished the job properly,” she adds.

The fact that their daughters bicker from the moment they get up adds to the anxiety that permeates their home.

Nevertheless, if their youngest daughter, Ella, hadn’t begun to have serious problems in school, they probably would never have consulted a counselor.

“Ella has become a terrible disciplinary problem,” says Aline. “She’s acting up in school, fighting with the other kids and even hitting the teacher. They refused to allow her to return unless we get some help.”

Alan is concerned about his daughter but feels trapped and helpless. “I don’t know what to do with myself.”

In the last year-and-a-half Alan’s well-ordered world has come crashing down around him.

“Fifteen months ago, I was a high-ranking officer, with a staff of people who listened to what I said, looked up to me and respected my wishes.”

Now, he has a long list of grievances: “My wife pays no attention to my needs; manhandles my expensive tools; doesn’t understand the first thing about proper yard care; ignores my pleas to keep the house neat, and allows her daughters to run around in skin-tight clothes,” he fumes.

Though he doesn’t want a divorce, Alan is beginning to think that the only way to get any peace is to move out.

“Aline and I are just too different,” he says, “I think if she shaped up, the girls would shape up, too.”

Fighting The Good Fight

“Ella’s problems are a blessing in disguise for this family,” says Marc Snowman, MSW, a marriage and family therapist. “They are also a cry for help, the only way Ella knew to divert her parents’ attention away from their constant bickering.”

Unable to resolve their differences for years, Aline and Alan have become increasingly polarized. Each believes that the other carries the bigger share of blame for their problems.

“They engage in tit-for-tat accusations and criticisms, and their daughters are obviously imitating them,” says Snowman.

The fact that parents inevitably argue is not the problem; the way they argue is. The key is to find a fighting style that shows respect for your partner while you work toward a solution you can both live with comfortably.

If your house sounds like Aline and Alan’s, it’s time to make the following changes:

Eliminate Black And White Thinking

Forget “I’m right, he’s wrong” or “This is my way, and that’s your way.” Accept that sometimes your two approaches are neither bad nor good, just different.

Don’t Try To Win

Your primary goal is not to best your spouse every step of the way but to show your children that people who have different points of view can still talk about their feelings, negotiate compromises and respect each other’s position.

Hold Your Temper

This doesn’t mean bury your anger, but rather defuse ugly explosions that are unproductive and harmful to your marriage and kids. It’s fine to say you’re upset about something your spouse has done, but it’s not fine to criticize him personally.

Don’t Pretend Everything Is Fine

While Aline and Alan never censored their ugly retorts, some parents try to hide the fact that they’re at odds, which can be just as damaging.

Horrified that they were responsible for their daughter’s problems, they vowed to find new ways to talk to each other and to include their children in family decision making.