Treat Aging Parents As You Would Be Treated

During my weekly telephone call with my mother, who lives in another state, she mentioned several articles she had read lately about the difficulty middle-age women (like me) are having with older-aged women (like her). I could tell it made her feel bad. Mama is one of those women who would do anything to avoid being an inconvenience, let alone a burden, to anyone.

Parental aging, like having children, never really occurs at the right time. We’re never ready for our parents to age, any more than they fully understood what it meant in their lives for us to be born. I recall thinking years ago that mother had no guide like I had to help me through my challenges of childbirth, buying a house, taking a job and working out a marriage. Unlike me, she can’t call her mama and ask about the challenges in her life now.

I still rely on my mother. Sometimes the guidance for decisions isn’t as important as the fact that she is keenly interested in me and always has been.

Mama helped my sister and me see the positive side of every difficulty. She always worked full time. When we relocated to a new state, she had to spend two nights a week getting her teaching certificate to continue her profession. She explained it was a good chance for us to learn to be independent - to cook and do laundry.

Through it all, she has forgotten that I was one of the worst teens ever. She doesn’t recall my five-day snit when we went on a family vacation to Death Valley or the multi-day pout I produced when she wouldn’t buy me an outfit (it turned up later under the Christmas tree). I recall her graciously telling me that she and Daddy had encouraged me to think for myself (this, after a first-year-in-college diatribe on their values and, of course, the Vietnam War.)

When I railed about how unfair life (she) was, she assured me that she was doing the best she could. There has never been any doubt that she has done and is doing her best. Consequently, all I can do is my best for her.

Articles headlined “What to do about Mama?” don’t make anyone feel any better. I suggest we not make Mama feel like the natural difficulty of aging is her fault. It isn’t. Appreciate the time together, lighten up and do the best you can. We’re teaching our children how families work and how we want to be taken care of.

MEMO: Your Turn is a feature of the Wednesday and Saturday Opinion pages. To submit a Your Turn column for consideration, contact Rebecca Nappi at 459-5496 or Doug Floyd at 459-5466 or write Your Turn, The Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210-1615.