Gum Should Not Be Seen, Heard, Placed Behind Ear

Dear Ann Landers: I recently went to work in an office about half the size of my previous place of employment. Our desks are much closer together than I am accustomed to. The woman who sits practically at my elbow is trying to quit smoking and chews gum constantly. The noises she makes drive me nuts. A while back, you had a column about gum chewers, and I wish I had hung on to it. Is it possible for you to find that column and run it again? I would be Ever-So-Grateful in Baton Rouge

Dear Baton: Here it is, and I hope it helps.

Dear Ann Landers: Is there a code of ethics for gum chewers? If not, there should be. How about it, Ann, or are you afraid the Wrigley Building might fall on you? - Call Me Buster

Dear Buster: I have a code of ethics for gum chewers - born of private prejudices. Here it is:

First, let it be known that I neither condemn nor condone gum chewing. Some dentists say constant chewers have more cavities unless they use sugarless gum. On the other hand, many behavioral authorities claim gum chewing is an excellent way to relieve tension and to keep food out of your mouth.

Rule No. 1: Gum should never be seen. Chewers who display a wad while talking commit a grievous social blunder.

Rule No. 2: Gum should never be heard. Snap, crackle and pop are OK for breakfast cereals, but chewing with sound effects is verboten. Moreover, noisy gum chewing can lead to violence, particularly among office workers. I once read of a gum popper in an insurance office who was clobbered with a 9-pound paperweight by a fellow employee who said he had been “pushed to the brink.” (I had no trouble relating to that.)

Rule No. 3: Disposing of gum is an art, if not a science. The technique also says a great deal about a person’s manners and sensitivity. Once gum is chewed, it should be disposed of permanently. Sticking the wad on a dinner plate or under the table is gross. Stashing it behind the ear is so vulgar, I hesitate to mention it, but I have seen it done.

A considerate, well-bred person never would spit out gum on the street or sidewalk where an unwary pedestrian is sure to step in it.

Rule No. 4: It is impolite to take a stick of gum for yourself and not offer one to others. If you happen to have only one stick, offer half. If several people are present, wait until you are alone.

Gum sneaks (people who pop gum into their mouths furtively) are in the same category as candy-mint sneaks. One minute you look at them, and they are doing nothing. The next minute, they have a candy mint or a piece of gum going. I would not care to play cards with individuals who are such sleight-of-hand experts.

Dear Ann Landers: Think you’ve heard everything? How about this: A teenager held up a 7-Eleven store in St. Peters, Mo. When his car wouldn’t start, he went back into the store and returned the money. The two clerks helped him get his car started and then called the police - 40 minutes later. When the police arrived, the men said they didn’t think to get the license number. Beautiful, isn’t it? - Mr. X

Dear Mr. X: Indeed it is. I’ve always thought of Philadelphia as the City of Brotherly Love, but St. Peters, Mo., is a serious contender for the title.