Letting Go When Child Goes Away To College, Parents Must Be There For Support While Keeping Distance

For the typical young adult away at college for the first time, the first few weeks on campus are both heady and scary, wonderful and terrible, liberating and stultifying. This roller coaster of emotions prompts a euphoric call on Tuesday: “Things are great, fantastic! I love it!” On Wednesday, she’s fighting tears: “This is the biggest mistake of my life!”

Welcome to long-distance parenting, where it is geographically, intellectually, emotionally, socially, and psychologically inappropriate and downright wrong to rescue your child.

That’s what’s scary for you.

It’s also what’s scary for your child.

“They know it’s up to them to make their own way,” says psychologist and family therapist Linda Budd, an associate professor at the University of Minnesota.

Not only has your child lost you as a rescuer, she’s also lost you as a scapegoat. “When there’s something they don’t want to do, they can’t turn you into the bad guy: ‘My mom says I can’t.’ They are forced to take full responsibility for themselves. That’s about as scary as it gets,” says Budd.

There is still, however, one way he can turn you into a scapegoat and it comes in the form of an accusation: “Why did you make me go here?”

“Until a student makes friends and feels good about his study habits, it’s very common for him to feel he doesn’t belong,” says psychologist Charles Ducey, director of clinical counseling services at Harvard University.

This is particularly true when a student attends a parent’s alma mater. “If he has the idea that he’s there on your agenda, he won’t loosen up enough to find his own place,” says Ducey.

At the first hint this is going on, release him from any sense of obligation, says Ducey. “Let him know you thought it was a good match, you were happy there, but all you expect of him is to try it for one semester. If it’s not for him, you’ll be supportive in efforts to find a place that’s a better fit.”

This is the message you should convey if your child wants to transfer for any reason, says Budd. “A student who thinks she’s stuck for four years in a place she hates can’t be happy.”

Feeling as if you don’t fit in is one of the most commonly expressed dissatisfactions and it is also one of the most developmentally appropriate reactions a student can have, according to psychologist and family therapist William J. Doherty, also of the University of Minnesota.

As you listen to a long-distance litany of complaints, try to distinguish between unhappiness that is developmental and unhappiness that is not, says Doherty. “If it’s developmental, it’s an expectable transition difficulty. You should be supportive and nonjudgmental,” he says. “Don’t let your emotion mirror your child’s. Don’t panic if he is.”

If he hasn’t left his room for three days, that’s beyond a normal developmental response. Ducey says, “It’s never inappropriate to call the resident assistant, the dean of students, a counseling center, to express concern that your child get the help he needs, to say, ‘I need information.”’

What’s behind the more typical, developmental reactions is a feeling of performing on a high wire without a safety net.

“When she calls you, she may sound like a very little child again,” says Budd. “Frankly, that’s how she feels.”

Here are some of the issues you may get hit with:

“I hate my roommate!” There are many variations on this theme from “She’s a lesbian!” to “I can’t sleep because she keeps the light on all night.”

“I have no privacy.” This can refer to co-ed life, study conditions, or living in a small space.

“I can’t make friends.” Translate this to: “How can I find out if there are any people here like me?”

“It’s too hard. I’m not smart enough.” The brighter the student, the more likely you’ll hear this.

“I’m gay.” This can be meant to test you - “Will you still love me no matter what?” - or it can be a real coming to grips with sexual identity.

“I’m homesick.” Separation can mask other problems or make them seem worse than they are.

No matter what the issue, Budd says every child has an unconscious, underlying agenda: “You’re a long way away, and how are you going to be there for me?”

“What you want to establish in these early weeks and months is that you will be supportive without being judgmental,” says Budd. That includes not being judgmental of the college.

For a lot of kids, the college becomes the scapegoat in lieu of the parent: This is wrong, or they do that badly.

“No matter what the problem, right away get your child away from who/what’s to blame and into a problem-solving mode,” says Budd. Begin by helping him identify the problem as specifically as possible.

In the case of a roommate, for instance: “Can you figure out what, exactly, it is that’s the problem? Can you list what about her you can live with and what you can’t?”

Once there’s a concrete problem - music’s too loud, she’s too messy, she’s having sex in the room - brainstorm solutions: Can she talk to the roommate about boundaries? Be more flexible herself? Spend less time in the room? Go to the resident assistant, housing department or dean of students?

Ben Lieber, dean of students at Amherst College, says, “An important goal is to get your child to use the resources of the college, no matter what the problem.” Let your child know you’ll support her decision but that it needs to be an informed decision.

For instance, if he wants a room change, he should go to the housing office to find out what it takes to get one.

Lieber says most colleges expect to make two or three room changes before the semester ends. Just knowing that’s a possibility can alleviate a student’s anxiety.

Taking the long view is hard for any parent, especially if your child is e-mailing two or three times a day and calling daily.

“You need to be patient and understanding and realize that this is not necessarily an indication of a poor adjustment,” says Ducey. He tells parents to remind a student:

There is always pain associated with any transition;

Even people who make it look easy are suffering in some way, too;

Part of what college is all about is exploring new things in life;

You love her no matter what.

As much as parents may feel the truth of that last one, they don’t always express it. Ducey says, “I would say, ‘Listen, we want you to explore the possibilities of how to solve this problem, but we also want you to be happy, and no matter how this gets worked out, we want you to know we love you.”’ Lieber tells parents to treat all complaints respectfully but not necessarily in a lose-sleep-over-it kind of way.

“Melodrama and angst are part of this age,” he says, adding that parents should worry most about students who have no complaints.

“They’re suffering silently about something,” he says.

Generally, after four weeks, problems that were bothering him the first week should be receding, if not resolved. If that’s not happening, it’s time for a more insistent suggestion that he seek appropriate help or for you to call the appropriate resource to see what help is available.

“It’s naive to think a child will be happy right away, but you should see some calming down of irritants,” says Budd. “For some kids it takes months, not weeks, to settle in, to finally be able to say, ‘I feel happy here most of the time. I feel comfortable. I feel like I belong.”’

MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: Suggestions for parents -Avoid inquisitor-mode questions such as, “What time did you go to bed last night? What did you eat? Did you study?” -If a child announces he’s gay, be supportive: “This is the best time in your life for personal exploration; we love you no matter what.” Then hang up the phone and find a support network in your area for parents of gay and lesbian children. -Adjusting to dorm life is a serious transitional challenge. Tell your child, “It’s so different from what you are used to; give it some time before you decide if you like it or not.” -Most roommate differences can be worked out through mediation with the help of a resident assistant. -Tell a child who is homesick and wants to come home to visit not to do so until after the first month.