Cowboys Don’t Deserve That W

With Barry Switzer on the sideline praying that Jerry Jones wasn’t watching, with a nation of couch slouches turning their groggy eyes to Chris Boniol, with Deion Sanders looking skyward and God looking back through the hole in the roof, the Dallas Cowboys parted the field Monday night and walked wondrously into the win column.

The Man has been watching football for a long, long time does the name Paddy Driscoll ring a bell? and cannot recall a more bizarre, improbable, peculiar, unimaginable, freakish, preposterous and dubitable ending.

Well, other than that Army doctor game in the film “M*A*S*H.”

In the NFL standings that I keep on the big chalkboard over my bed, I have the Cowboys listed as 1-2.

I simply will not recognize them as 2-1.

For they needed an incorrect pass interference call before their final touchdown (when officials missed a tipped pass and the drive would’ve ended) and a miraculous touchdown catch by Anthony Miller (when the defender, Tim Watson, saw the ball go right through his hands), plus, of course, The Field Goal That Wasn’t.

I keep replaying that baby on my VCR, and I keep expecting Boniol to kick the ball.

It was a 22-yard attempt for the Eagles, trailing by 21-20 with 4 seconds left. The holder, Tom Hutton, juggled the snap momentarily. The kicker, Boniol, stopped his approach to the ball when Hutton mishandled it, then stubbed his left toe in the turf. Hutton just took off to his left, fumbled the ball without being hit, then was smothered by chaos.

The end of the play had that Running of the Bulls feel, without the bulls.

Switzer was so excited sprinting onto the field, I half-expected him to take a six-shooter out of his pocket, fire it in the air and shout, “Yahooooo!!!”

Footnote: The next day Eagles coach Ray Rhodes was rear-ended - and briefly hospitalized - while driving near his home in New Jersey. Adding insult to injury, the cops made “no call” on the accident.

As always, the following picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Dolphins at Buccaneers (-3-1/2): My friends, Trent “T.D.” Dilfer not only has thrown 70 passes this season without a pick, he also has four touchdown passes and an NFC-best 100.4 passer rating. My friends, Dilfer-to-Horace Copeland last week looked like vintage Marino-to-Clayton. My friends, Tampa Bay - playoff-hungry and playoff-ready - is still unbeaten. Ah, The Man continues to dispense football wisdom for the ages for the price of a daily newspaper. It’s quite a bargain, is it not? Pick: Buccaneers.

Chiefs at Panthers (-5): So there’s a big rigmarole over this cockamamie business that Miss America’s father was a member of the pageant’s board of directors. So how come there’s no hullabaloo over the fact that the Chiefs’ defensive backs coach, Kurt Schottenheimer, is the head coach’s brother? Pick: Panthers.

Giants at Rams (-3-1/2): As we wind down the Dave Brown Era, such as it is, let’s review the key numbers: 21-29 record as Giants quarterback, 69.6 career passer rating, 38 TD passes, 47 interceptions, 30 fumbles, 142 sacks and 227 dumbfounded looks. Pick: Giants.

Lions (-5) at Saints: Frankly, I believe the relationship between Saints QB Heath Shuler and coach Mike Ditka is similar to the marriage between David Copperfield and Claudia Schiffer - an illusion sustained by a contract. Pick: Saints.

Steelers at Jaguars (-3-1/2): Winners with a quarterback from the World League, Jaguars signed a linebacker from the Arena League, a free safety from the Canadian Football League and a long snapper from the League of Women Voters. Pick: Steelers.

Bears at Patriots (-12-1/2): Running out of players to which he can throw touchdown passes, Patriots’ Drew Bledsoe lobbied offensive coordinator Larry Kennan to add “tackleeligible flea flicker” to playbook. Pick: Bears.

Bengals at Broncos (-11): I’ll take the Bengals, although I wouldn’t take a lunch meeting with Bruce Coslet unless we were in separate cars at a drive-thru. Pick: Bengals.

Ravens at Oilers (-3-1/2): True Fact: The state of Alaska averages just one person per square mile, which puts it on par with the Liberty Bowl during most Oilers games. Pick: Oilers.

Vikings at Packers (-12): Packers’ stadium named after Curly Lambeau; Packers’ locker room named after his younger, less popular brother, Shemp Lambeau. Pick: Vikings.

Raiders at Jets (-1): Regarding Jeff George’s victory lap: Red Auerbach didn’t light up after beating the Fort Wayne Pistons. Pick: Jets.

Chargers at Seahawks (-5): The only play selection on backup Seahawks QB Jon Kitna’s wristband is “take a knee.” Pick: Seahawks.

Colts at Bills (-6): Colts QB Jim Harbaugh asked NFL to change “down by contact” to “nolo contendere.” Pick: Bills.

Falcons at 49ers (-13-1/2): Free-spending 49ers first team in NFL to hire staff embryologist. Pick: Falcons. Last week: 5-8. Season record: 21-22.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Norman Chad Syndicated Columnist