Goodbye Reality; Hello Vegas Wanna See Egypt Or New York? Well, Come To Glitztown
No one loves your money as much as the casino owners in Las Vegas.
They pulled in nearly $22.5 billion last year alone and they still want more. New casinos are popping up like dandelions and each seems more outlandish than the one before. The gaming areas, however, continue to follow the same rat-maze pattern, confusing even the most directionally gifted. They figure you’ll spend five minutes looking for a way out, then give up and gamble until you’re forced to sell your follicles to a men’s hair club.
I must admit I’m not much of a gambler. For instance, I have no idea how to play craps. But having recently recovered from intestinal parasites, it sounds like an activity I should avoid.
The only machine I’ve had any luck with is the ATM, which is probably why I’m the only person here without a V.I.P. card. At least it feels that way.
It’s important to have V.I.P. clout at the buffet, because, besides gambling, piling food on your plate is probably the most popular activity at any casino. You can’t get more than 50 yards away from a buffet in this town, where at breakfast, lunch and dinner, you can stuff yourself silly for a very reasonable price. I suspect there’s a high correlation between binge gambling and binge eating: all you can eat or all you can lose, whichever comes first.
At least the V.I.P.s are down-to-earth here. Most play down their importance by wearing comfortable lycra shorts, hunting caps and T-shirts documenting noteworthy events, such as league bowling championships.
Here’s my carefully researched guide to casinos:
The Luxor is shaped like one of the Great Pyramids and has a life-sized Sphinx sitting in front of it. Naturally, The Luxor has made a few modern improvements on the original wonder of the world. Its pyramid, for example, is made of tinted glass and is fully air conditioned. And The Luxor Sphinx not only has its nose firmly attached, it also has underground valet parking - something the pharaohs never thought of. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell The Luxor’s management that the Pyramids and the Sphinx are not in the Egyptian city of Luxor; they’re in the Egyptian city of Giza, several hundred miles north. That would be like the Egyptians creating a casino that looked like the White House and the Washington Monument and calling it “The Boston.”
New York-New York is the newest - and I believe the most impressive - casino on the Las Vegas strip. But I’m not sure about the marketing concept. I thought most of the people who moved out West were trying to get away from New York. Now, someone has moved it closer. They must be irate.
Somehow, the architects managed to squeeze the entire city, including the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building and the Brooklyn Bridge, into one square block, with plenty of space left over for slot machines. No expense was spared; there was even a genuine beggar sitting in front of the casino when I arrived.
Inside, the detail was stunning, from faux-laundry hanging from the top of the faux-Greenwich Village buildings to faux-steam rising out of a faux-manhole.
To get to the roller coaster that runs around the outside of the casino, they recreated the New York experience of waiting in line to buy a “subway token.” And, like in New York, the lady selling tokens closed her station briefly to count change just as I got to the window. The roller coaster waiting room was decorated with abundant “graffiti” that must have been done by the belligerent son of a marketing executive, because most of the designs bore a remarkable resemblance to the Pepsi logo. The roller coaster cars were painted like New York’s Checker cabs, but despite the 144-foot drop and countless loops, the ride wasn’t nearly as scary as a real New York taxi ride.
The Excalibur is King Arthur meets Walt Disney meets Wayne Newton. You can watch jousting while you eat with your fingers and slip out to the roulette table if you get bored. There’s a moat around the casino that also acts as the stage for a free show I still can’t believe I waited 30 minutes to see. A fire-breathing dragon that didn’t impress the 10-year-old standing next to me emerged from the moat and did battle with a J.C. Penny mannequin dressed like Merlin. Merlin used a big sparkler, a roman candle and a few magic words to defeat the beast in less than two minutes.
Circus Circus, thus named because it has a real circus performing for free a few times per day, is how I envision the Nevada State Fair. For example, there are slot machines on a carousel so you can gamble and get nauseous at the same time.
But my favorite part of this casino deviated from the general circus theme. There is a special group of slot machines where, at random moments, a “hurricane” will seem to strike. During this simulation, a wind tunnel will mess up your hair and make the palm trees sway while faux-lightening flashes. A real crowd pleaser!
The Stratosphere is America’s tallest free-standing observation tower. They charge $5 to get to the observation deck, so there’s no gambling allowed up there. Apparently, Las Vegas law prohibits casinos from charging people a fee before they take their money.
Caesar’s Palace is what the Roman Empire would have been like if they’d had pension plans to gamble away. The most impressive part of the casino is the attached shopping mall with clouds painted on the ceiling. It’s where Caesar would have shopped if he’d ever bothered to wear clothes. There’s even an exact replica of Michaelangelo’s David “that urinates every 10 minutes.” (Well, that’s not true, but it’s what a passing gambler told me while I was gazing at it.)