Divorce Party Falls Under ‘Awkward’
‘What’s wrong with the old rituals?” Miss Manners feels like asking when people proudly announce that they have invented a new ritual.
But there is really no need to ask.
Every time a holiday or ceremonial occasion approaches, the air crackles with complaints:
Some old rituals carry the appalling expectation that people socialize with their own relatives, while other rituals inflict the unbearable pressure of making people produce at least one person who cares enough to spend the holiday with them.
The historical ones whitewash unsavory events. The religious ones pervert their original meaning. All of them feature menus that are nutritionally and aesthetically - if not morally - offensive.
Rituals associated with personal milestones - birthday parties, graduations, weddings - are staged only to get people to fork over presents, except maybe funerals, and those are a drag.
And the worst thing about all those rituals is that they never live up to expectations.
Miss Manners finds that last charge especially odd. One would hardly think they could come in under such expectations.
Yet the sounds of merriment in anticipation of one of our ritual celebrations have been replaced by groans heralding depression. People now only use the phrase “to celebrate” when talking about a death; on other occasions, they speak (wanly or resentfully, depending on temperament) of hoping to cope.
Nevertheless, periodic attempts to do away with rituals have never been successful. Children might refuse to attend their college graduations; affianced couples might request the wedding money for a trip; and old people might leave instructions not to have any funeral rites, since they won’t be around to appreciate them. But the human craving for ceremony will win out. Those who skip marking major occasions with ritual not only risk leaving their families dangling, but they often feel cheated and keep trying to make up for it later (except maybe for the ones who skipped having funerals).
In ordinary life, as well as on momentous occasions, there is something aesthetically and emotionally pleasing about going through set routines. From daily dinner to holiday picnics-and-fireworks, it is repetition that places these occasions in tradition, which is what gives them emotional content.
That is why Miss Manners favors a policy of letting old rituals evolve with the times rather than starting from scratch. But in principle, she is not against starting new rituals, so long as they observe basic niceties. Amateurs who delve into the etiquette business have a way of skipping those.
They have come up with such new rituals as: the divorce celebration (“Whoopee, I got rid of that idiot I chose!”), the unveiling of results of plastic surgery (“Oh, look at that!”), and the labor room party for friends to watch one giving birth (“Oh, look at THAT!”). These all violate the requirement that the theme of a ritual, whether solemn or jolly, should not produce the effect Miss Manners can only describe as “Eeeeeew.”
A way around that is to choose the other participants with a thorough knowledge of what will engage their sympathies. Families and intimate friends can have great fun inventing rituals that they all enjoy, however unappealing these may be to outsiders.
And that brings Miss Manners to the third point of etiquette for anyone considering inventing a ritual:
Has it occurred to you that it might tie in nicely with your signing up at a gift registry? In that case, with no further questions asked, Miss Manners declares it an improper ritual.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate