Discipline Needs Not To Be Swift

Q. My 6-year-old daughter has started to test me at every possible opportunity. Every time I tell her to do something, she tells me she doesn’t want to, or she’s too tired, or something equally infuriating. If I tell her she’s going to “time-out” if she doesn’t, she says she doesn’t care. If I tell her I’m taking away a privilege - like watching television for the rest of the day - she says she doesn’t care. No matter what the threat, she doesn’t care. Even if I follow through with it, she doesn’t seem to care.

I’m at wit’s end. What can I do?

A. You can begin by stopping all these threats of time-out or annulment of one privilege or another. Every time you do so, you issue your daughter a challenge, thus creating an instant power struggle, which she “wins” by saying she doesn’t care what you do. Furthermore, it’s as clear to your daughter as it is to me that you aren’t consistent when it comes to the follow-through. As you said, “Even if I follow through …,” which simply means your threats are often, if not usually, empty.

Second, you can stop telling your daughter what you’re going to do when she disobeys. I know, mental health professionals have made it seem as if advance notice is mandatory, and this certainly seems like the “fair” thing to do, but in my experience, both personal and professional, not telling children what the consequences are for misbehaving works a lot better than the “fair” approach. Given a choice between what’s fair and what works, I’ll usually choose the latter.

The fact is, eight out of 10 times (my estimate), there is no effective consequence parents can deliver at the moment a child misbehaves. As you’ve already discovered, the mistaken idea that a child’s misbehavior must be dealt with immediately drives a lot of empty threats - threats parents either don’t or can’t follow through with - and sets up lots of power struggles.

Here’s an approach that will work a lot better than what you’re doing: The next time your daughter tells you she doesn’t want to, say, pick up her toys, just shrug your shoulders and say, “Oh, that’s all right. I’ll pick them up for you!” And pick them up, without a word of complaint.

At 7 that evening, announce, “It’s time for you to start getting ready for bed.”

When your daughter points out that her bedtime is 8:30, say, “Not tonight. Tonight, your bedtime is 7:30 because you didn’t pick up your toys when I told you to.”

If it’s more convenient (or if you’d prefer), wait a day or so until your daughter asks for a privilege, such as going to a friend’s house. Say, “You know, I’d love to let you go to Jenny’s house, but I won’t because you didn’t pick up your toys yesterday when I told you to.” This is called “waiting for a strategic opportunity.”

While it’s true that consequences need to be fairly immediate for 2-year-olds, they can be delayed by the time a child is 3. Remember that young children are the most intelligent organisms in the known universe. They make the connection, believe me.

“Waiting for a strategic opportunity” helps parents keep their cool, avoid power struggles and - perhaps most important - be just a bit unpredictable. I can’t say it often enough: Parents! You need to keep your children slightly off balance! Better them than you.

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The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Rosemond The Charlotte Observer