Just Another Holiday For Big Corporations To Woo Our Wallets

Red and pink. The wrappers on the same old miniature candy bars are no longer red and green for Christmas or orange and black for Halloween, so it must be Valentine’s Day.

I’m not implying that Valentine’s Day has become commercialized, or anything. After all, nothing expresses true love like a 50-pack of glow-in-the dark Jurassic Park valentine cards.

Instead of participating in this commercialization, we need to look at the true spirit of Valentine’s Day.

My detailed research (and people think teens are ignorant) reveals that Valentine’s Day originated when Romans confused the feast day of St. Valentine with their festival of Lupercalia. This festival honored the sheep god, Lupercus, and was held in the cave of the Lupercal.

In fact, we would not even call this holiday Valentine’s Day if Luperday had a better ring to it.

Major corporations have entirely misinterpreted this holiday. The only valentine sheep I found for sale had big red hearts around their necks and said “Baaa” when you squeezed them.

Despite the misguided commercialization, I went to buy valentine’s stuff at a local card shop. On one wall were enough 50-packs of kid valentine cards to account for a deforested area the size of Brazil. These colorful cards were careful to express affection, without risking hazardous lawsuits, with themes such as NASCAR, the NFL and alien invaders. One section contained the complete lineup of morning cartoons, including Barney, Looney Toons and the Little Mermaid.

My favorite item, however, was a 50-pack of cards addressed, “To my one and only.”

Disgusted, I moved to the display of individual cards. The first card I found read, “This is Cupid’s brother, Stupid. Don’t let him getcha.” The card was glued shut. On the back was the message, “Too late!”

With that kind of originality in modern writing, it’s amazing that they still award Pulitzer Prizes. This year’s selection of Valentine’s Day candy makes the cards look respectable.

I took a box of Elvis Presley chocolates, as further proof that the king is alive.

If Elvis is any indication, we may see a similar line of Spice Girls cinnamon hearts, or a solid chocolate Michael Jordan in the tradition of this year’s 6.5-ounce chocolate Garfield.

Annoyed, I decided to leave the store and get something to eat. On my way out, I heard the exclamation, “Oink, oink! I love you.”

I turned to see a plush stuffed pig equipped with an electronic motion sensor that triggers that lovely, meaningful, prerecorded message.