Get Ready, Public Figures, It’s Budnick Time!

Happy New Year and welcome, friends, to the 10th airing of the coveted Budnick Awards.

These annual honors for dubious achievement are named for Thomas P. Budnick. The Massachusetts social worker stumbled into the sticky pages of local history when he turned to Spokane to file his mining claims for the planet Mars.

“Nobody else would file them for me,” groused Budnick, who was rejected by scores of responsible governmental offices before being welcomed by the Spokane County Auditor’s Office, which apparently will take anybody’s money.

These awards are meted out to individuals who, during the previous 365 days, have risen (or sunk) to a Budnick level of behavior. Window-leaping Steve Hasson, crybaby ex-Councilman Chris Anderson and Richard “Seig Heil” Butler… these are only a few Budnick giants of yore.

A former Spokane School District mouthpiece, Hugh Davis, was so overcome by being Budnicked last year that he mailed me a screw and an acceptance speech. “I am humble in the shadow of Mr. Budnick,” wrote Davis.

As you will see, he will be even more humbled this year.

Yes, 1997 was a banner Budnick year. It saw a murder plot involving bacon, a pot bust at one of Spokane’s more respectable churches and a deathbed Gypsy curse. Even The Spokesman-Review was a worthy recipient.

So sit back and forget the Rose Bowl a moment as I give you the Budnick Awards:

One kid did have a tan

Only white schoolchildren walk through the “Door of Opportunity” in a videotape shown before 1,200 guests at a Spokane Area Chamber of Commerce diversity meeting.

He’s left impressions on us all

For the second time in six months, outgoing Spokane Police Chief Terry Mangan causes a fender-bender with his unmarked prowl car.

Aw, whataya want for 50 cents?

Poll results appearing on the front page of The Spokesman-Review wrongly proclaim overwhelming support for changing the city’s name back to Spokane Falls. After press time, it is discovered that only 14 percent favor a name change.

No argument there, Joanne

Spokane School Board candidate Joanne McCann offends minority members during a speech by referring to them as “you people.” “I’m sincere in my stupidity, I’ll tell you that,” she says later.

He fell into a ring of fire

Phil Williams, Spokane’s engineering director, is canned over an affair with a toxicologist that allegedly compromises her work on a $300,000 study of the city’s trash burner.

High Mass over for holy rollers

Spokane drug cops haul 21 marijuana plants out of the basement of St. John’s Episcopal Church.

Gopher unavailable for comment

The 900 homes of Bayview, Idaho, go dark for six hours after a hungry gopher attempts to chow down on a 14,000-volt power line. “You can see chew marks from the gopher right here on the cable’s casing,” says an electrical worker.

He’s mastered ABC’s of sleaze

Hugh Davis, a Spokane School District 81 administrator and former spokesman, is caught campaigning and being a political errand boy for school board candidate Don Barlow.

It’s time she hit the Jackpot

Spokane Mayor Jack Geraghty is found in contempt of court for failing to pay support to his estranged wife, Marlene.

They need Tickle Me Handcuffs

A month after Christmas, Patrick Marquette and Stephen Lloyd are accused of allegedly stealing the popular Tickle Me Elmo doll from a 5-month-old girl.

Lucky she didn’t gunpowder her nose

Wallace resident Barbara Friend, 34, takes a bullet in the back when her cheap handgun goes off inside her purse.

Cop doesn’t have leg to stand on

Cheney Police Chief Jerry Gardner gives a $200 parking ticket to Joe Fitzpatrick, a one-legged Vietnam vet for leaving his car in a handicapped spot.

Randy said they were chia pets

Drug cops haul 99 marijuana plants out of Randall and Janet Price’s south Spokane rancher. Janet, who wasn’t charged, is a drug counselor for two middle schools. “She didn’t know (about the pot) and she was damn mad when she found out,” claims Randall Price’s attorney.

Only the Bayview gopher showed up

Two men are sent to prison for trying to kill James Peterson, 34, with bacon. Tracy Walter, 34, and Randy Thomas, 35, left Peterson tied to the snow-covered ground near Loon Lake and scattered bacon in hopes hungry wolves and bears would eat him.

O’Peffer should’ve drunk O’Doul’s

Minutes after leaving a St. Paddy’s Day shindig, Spokane’s Assistant Police Chief Dave Peffer, 53, is busted for drunk driving.

Better than sitting on a lousy bus

Six Spokane Transit Authority poobahs, including Councilman Mike Brewer, spend $10,000 of the taxpayers’ money flying off on a business junket to Washington, D.C.

Look out for falling baloney

City Parks Director Ange Taylor tells residents during a meeting that Manito Park’s majestic willows are so dangerously rotten they must be chopped down. The meeting, oddly enough, is held directly under one of the so-called deadly trees.

Here today, gone to Mary

Almost as quickly as it began, the frenzy fades and memorials disappear in front of Yakima Valley road signs that supposedly contain images of the Virgin Mother.

Book ‘em, Daddy-o

Newport Policeman Ernest “Marty” Martin arrests his 17-year-old son for allegedly stealing his mother’s 1975 Corvette.

And lo, the curse’s name was Talbott

On his deathbed, 72-year-old Gypsy patriarch Grover Marks comes out of a coma to lay a curse on Spokane Mayor Jack Geraghty and two other city officials.

Buying politicians way more fun

Seattle billionaire Paul Allen asks voters to approve a new football stadium for his Seahawks despite the fact that he’s never bothered to vote.

Not too swift of foot or thought

Bloomsday slaps a five-year ban on incoming Ferris ASB President Jonathan Parker after the lad registers under a false name and sneaks in behind the elite athletes. After leading briefly, Parker finishes two hours behind winner Lazarus Nyakeraka of Kenya.

It’s dumb cluck vs. dumb cluck

A feud erupts near Spirit Lake when William Prickett counters a neighbor’s 3 a.m. crowing rooster by cranking up a wailing air raid siren.

He’ll teach Bilking the Public 101

While enrollment sags, Eastern Washington University President Mark Drummond exits with a two-year, $220,000 paid leave so he can be “re-tooled” and return as a teacher.

Rake your beard first, Mouldy

Not finding any drugs, raiding Spokane cops give wooly-bearded Hells Angel “Mouldy” Marvin Gilbert a ticket for having a messy yard.

Sounds like he’s drinking cocktails

When he is arrested, Robert Berry is carrying Styrofoam-filled bottles for making Molotov cocktails. “You just never know anymore when you’re going to get attacked by a tank,” explains the Sandpoint white separatist during his trial for bank robbery.

Dad, not kid, asleep at the switch

Sports broadcaster Paul Sorensen leaves his snoozing toddler alone at the Spokane International Airport in an illegally parked car.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo