Correspondence Need Not Change
Dear Miss Manners: A very dear friend has recently married, yet we wish to continue our friendship of more than 10 years and preserve our correspondence. Should our future letters be carefully written in deference to his wife, should she read our mail?
While our letters are not necessarily of a personal nature, at times we have exchanged personal insights such as political beliefs, family news and job dissatisfaction. I feel that I must add that our friendship is purely platonic and in no way would we want our relationship to appear as anything but above the board.
How can we preserve our correspondence and respect his wedding vows simultaneously?
Gentle Reader: Did he vow to forsake all his friends?
Ordinarily, Miss Manners would lecture everyone concerned against the nasty marital impulse of harboring suspicions about innocent friendships. Trust, reasonable autonomy, and all that.
But she ran into a little problem here: Your letter aroused her suspicions.
Presuming basic courtesy - that you will send the wife your regards and offer her your friendship, and that neither of you would indulge in gossip or criticism about her - which vow is it that your letters might tempt him to break?
If you can think of one Miss Manners may have missed, then you should end the correspondence right now.
Dear Miss Manners: At the establishment where I have been a server for well over six years, a man who came in with his son asked what beers we had. After I had gone through our short list, he asked about a specific beer that we did not carry. I explained that we did not have it and went through our list again, after which he asked me for it three more times.
When I told him I’d give him a few minutes to think it over, he threw his menu across the table and told me they were leaving because I had an attitude problem. Through the entire ordeal, I was polite and I feel he had no cause to behave so rashly, especially in front of his young child.
I would like to say that even though we are servers, we are still humans. If people want respect, they must first give it. I am curious as to how a situation such as this could be avoided or handled differently.
Gentle Reader: It seems to Miss Manners that you handled this outrage extremely well - better, in fact, than if you had followed your own statement of principle.
You should - and did - treat others politely even if they don’t do so at all, let alone first, because it is the right thing to do. There is a tremendous temptation to allow one person’s rudeness to set the standard for your own behavior, and Miss Manners gives you extra credit for resisting retaliation.
She is also impressed that you are fortunately not used to having crank customers - those who, for whatever reason, go off the deep end without discernible provocation. Every business has its share of such cranks, and you should count yourself lucky that this one flounced out before doing more damage - except, as you sadly suggest, to his own child.
xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate