Family Still Civil After Breakup

Dear Ann Landers: Don’t pass the crow so fast. You may have gotten clobbered by readers who disagreed with your advice to the divorced couple who were considering a summer vacation as a family, but that doesn’t mean you were wrong. Count me as one who thinks you were right.

I have been there and done that. My parents divorced 19 years ago. I was the only child still at home, and we often dined and vacationed as a family. I had no preconceived notions about the joys of a reunion, nor did I have any desire for one. I did, however, have the solid support of both my parents for important events in my life. My graduations, holidays and wedding, and the birth of my sons, included both my mother, my father, and Dad’s new wife when she entered the family.

This is not a unique situation, at least not in our family. There are cousins, aunts and uncles who are managing under similar circumstances. Our family reunions lovingly include the “outlaws” - those members technically out of the family by divorce.

My siblings and I have not had to choose which side of the family to spend holidays with because we all spend them together. Last year, Mom hosted Christmas at her house. Dad’s wife drew Mom’s name for the gift exchange, and Mom liked her gift every bit as much as my stepmother enjoyed the one Mom got her the year before.

I know I’m extremely fortunate, and I’m very proud of my parents and stepmom, so you can include my name if you decide to print my letter. - Carlene C. Mann in Glenn, Calif.

Dear Carlene: You sound like a great group, and I offer my congratulations to your parents for being so civilized. They have proven that divorce need not be divisive and bitter. When the split is vindictive and hostile, it’s the children who suffer most.

Dear Ann Landers: Please help spread the word to teenage girls about the dangers of smoking. Our daughters may not understand that smoking not only increases their risk of developing lung and cervical cancer but can also affect their ability to have children by increasing their risk for problems like infertility.

Every day, approximately 6,000 teenagers try a cigarette and 3,000 become daily smokers. Since ob-gyns are often the only doctors young women see on a regular basis, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists wants women to know that they can ask their ob-gyns for help.

The good news is that as soon as a smoker quits, her body begins repairing the damage caused by smoking. I urge all women who smoke to talk with their doctors and develop a stop-smoking plan that works for them. Or they can get a free copy of “It’s Time to Quit Smoking” by sending a large, self-addressed, stamped envelope to ACOG, Resource Center/APO65/VS, P.O. Box 96920, Washington, DC 20090-6920.

Thanks for your help, Ann. - Vicki Seltzer, M.D., president, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

Dear Dr. Seltzer: Most teenagers have a difficult time looking down the road 15 or 20 years. I hope your letter does the job. Thank you on behalf of all the young people you helped today.

Gem of the Day (Credit Maureen Dowd of The New York Times): The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settled for.