January 30, 1998 in Features

Sorry, The Judges Have Ruled That ‘Cynicalest’ Is Not A Word

By The Spokesman-Review
 

The other day, one friend of ours referred to another as “The happiest man in America.”

That made us wonder what adjective could be used to describe Spokane. Somehow, “The happiest city in America” doesn’t quite work.

Neither does “dankest,” which a reader suggested a few years ago.

So here’s the deal. We’ll send a treasured but never-worn Kraut Route T-shirt (it’s a fun-run that’s part of Endicott’s Community Day) to the person who does the best job of filling in the blank.

“Spokane is the ( ) city in America.”

The bright side of life: We came across an H. L. Mencken quote not long that rang true.

“The central belief of every moron is that he is the victim of a mysterious conspiracy against his common rights and true deserts.”

That got us thinking about the art of complaining.

Sure it’s fun to grouse about this and that. And certainly there are true injustices that need pointing out. But after a while, someone who does nothing but gripe begins to sound, well, less than convincing.

Nonstop complaining is a sure sign that someone has lost sight of an important truth: Things could always be worse.

Just consider this. Here are four things Spokane area residents never have to worry about.

1. Truly oppressive humidity.

2. The Spice Girls coming over all the time, raiding the refrigerator and making long-distance calls.

3. Getting bored out of your mind because it’s always sunny and 71.

4. Guilt about not taking enough advantage of the relentless irresistible lineup of live entertainment options.

Mottoes: “It’s better to do the right things than to do things right.” - Dave Winegar “Extremists should be shot.” - Paul Weis

Four ways Spokane could put itself on the map:

1. Become the first metropolitan area to have 90 percent of the households unplug their televisions for a month.

2. During winter, all men wear ‘40s style fedoras. (We are going to keep proposing this until it happens.)

3. Become first city to tar and feather anyone caught talking on a cell phone while driving.

4. Sell XL condoms only.

Here at 999 West Riverside: The gentleman speaking over the intercom meant to say “fire alarms” were about to be tested, not “firearms.”

Today’s Slice question: Which group of real-life Inland Northwest friends could step in and replace the calling-it-quits cast of “Seinfeld”?

, DataTimes MEMO: The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. Look for more kids in snowsuits Saturday.

The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. Look for more kids in snowsuits Saturday.

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