Come For Our Greetings, But Stay For Our Buffets

If you live here and are acquainted with reality, it’s not uncommon when reading pamphlets or brochures espousing unbridled Spokane boosterism to find yourself asking a question.

Were the people who wrote this stuff on drugs?

But modern efforts to sell Spokane can’t hold a candle to old-style tub-thumping.

A friend passed along a Northern Pacific Railway promotional tract that looks as if it’s from the 1920s. Here’s a snippet of what it says about the “Empress of the Inland Empire.”

“O. Henry says that cities, like people, speak a various language. Chicago says, unhesitatingly, ‘I will;’ Philadelphia says, ‘I should;’ New Orleans says, ‘I used to;’ Louisville says, ‘Don’t care if I do;’ St. Louis says, ‘Excuse me;’ Pittsburgh says, ‘Smoke up;’ New York says, ‘Old man, I can’t talk for publication;’ and Spokane — what does Spokane say? ‘Mighty glad to meet you.’ It can be accurately called The City of Happy Greeters.”

Hey, that’s catchy. Maybe we’ll rename this column “The Happy Greeter.”

Slice answers: About 10 of his friends and neighbors phoned to report that painting contractor Rob Plumb is the area’s fastest eater.

“He can really go,” said one caller.

And a bunch of parents nominated their kids for the title of “slowest eater.”

In the matter of who could be the Spokane area’s own “That Girl!”, Lance Hagler wrote in about his co-worker at Bayer Corp., Paulla Hirschkorn.

“She has all the attributes Ann Marie had,” he said. “She is energetic, authentic, and a hoot to be around.”

Cathy Ralston wonders: How many people remember the expression, “Run up an alley and holler ‘fish.’ “

Kid stuff: We heard about a preschooler who saw the recycling truck pull up outside and said, “Look Mommy, it’s the psycho man.”

Pet stuff: We heard about a black and white cat named Lacey in Mead who eats “Atta-Cat” brand pet food but, judging from her aggressive behavior, apparently thinks the label says “Attack Cat.”

Warm-up questions: When a co-worker is snickering about e-mail, is it bad manners to not ask what’s so funny?

In the Inland Northwest, is the number of men who own tuxedos greater than the number who own missile-launchers?

Today’s Slice question: Do you know people who believe they can always tell just from looking whether a person grew up around here?

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Drawing

MEMO: The Slice appears Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Write The Slice at P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210; call (509) 459-5470; fax (509) 459-5098. If you have no interest in basketball, now would be a good time to leave the country.