Most Will Knock Before Entering
Dear Miss Manners: The dining room and library of our home are on the ground floor, and when we entertain, we often put several small tables in each. At the foot of the stairway opposite the library door is what is politely called the powder room. It is in full view of all coming down the stairs - and those seated in the library.
My wife feels it is “middle-class morality” to keep the bathroom door closed when the room is not in use. While I agree that those on the bedroom level should be open, I think it might be best, as a matter of aesthetics, if the fixtures on the dining level are not in view. I advocate, in this case, leaving the door about four inches ajar to indicate availability. Will you comment on this disagreement?
Gentle Reader: Middle-class morality? Oh, no. Anything but that!
Miss Manners is aware that an accusation of practicing middle-class morality is the deadliest of insults, but she has never understood why. Don’t all people identify themselves as being middle class, the rich to avoid arrogance and the poor to avoid pathos? And why would people be terrified of being caught practicing morality? Because it might ruin their reputations?
Anyway, how does the bathroom door get to be a moral issue?
Miss Manners dearly hopes you are going to spare her the argument that privacy constitutes hypocrisy, but if that’s it, then you upper- and lower-class disdainers of morality should just take those bathroom doors off the hinges and watch one another.
We hypocrites prefer other entertainment, and we especially do not enjoy dwelling on the connection between eating food and eliminating it. Furthermore, we are also resourceful enough to ask for a bathroom when we need one and to knock on closed doors before entering.
Dear Miss Manners: Last night I attended a recital. In the middle of a piece, someone behind me sneezed.
Then she said, “Excuse me.”
Then the person next to her said, “No problem.”
Then the first person said, “Thank you.”
Is there such a thing as too much etiquette? I could have heard a lot more of this recital with a little less “politeness.”
Gentle Reader: Too much etiquette? Never.
Too much talking during concerts? Yes, indeed.
Your confusion arises of thinking that meaning well is all there is to etiquette. Miss Manners does not wish to discourage such a charming misconception, but meaning well is only the starting point. To translate good will into polite behavior, you also have to know the rules and, in the case of conflicting rules, you have to know which rule should prevail.
The fact is that etiquette has no requirement that one excuse oneself for sneezing and has little use for the expression “No problem.”
It does recognize the following exchange, which Miss Manners admits would be almost as annoying:
“Achoo!”
“Bless you.”
“Thank you.”
But the greater rule, that you do not talk during a recital, would require suppressing this comforting but out-of-place sequence.
Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper. The quill shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering questions except through this column.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate