Cheap Seats
Excuse me, butt …
To the amusement of the camp, Ken Griffey Jr. and hitting coach Jesse Barfield have held a long-running debate on which of them has the largest rear end.
Griffey’s accusation Monday: “Jesse doesn’t have a backside, he’s got a back yard.”
Car envy
Colorado Rocky outfielder Larry Walker, the National League’s Most Valuable Player last season, says he should have been named the Canadian Press athlete of the year, not Formula One champion Jacques Villeneuve.
“They have been playing major league baseball for 128 years,” Walker said. “In that time, there has never been a Canadian who was considered the outstanding player in his league. It finally happens and I get beat for my country’s athlete of the year by a machine.”
Woman’s best friends
Jayson Stark in the Philadelphia Inquirer: “Her royal highness Marge Schott just had the Reds rename the streets at their new spring-training complex. After Johnny Bench or Joe Morgan?
“Of course not. After her dogs. So yes, there’s a Schottzie Avenue and Schottzie 02 Way.”
Caray lives on
Phil Collier in the San Diego Union-Tribune: “Harry Caray’s death has prompted a flood of stories. One night, as he was televising a game, he noticed that Carlos May, who had lost part of his thumb in an accident, was in the same White Sox outfield with Walt “No Neck” Williams and Pat Kelly.
“Caray said: ‘No thumb in left, No Neck in center and no arm in right!’ “
Futility award
Fred Carter was named the most valuable player of the 1973 Philadelphia 76ers team that achieved (?) the worst-ever NBA record at 9-73 but refused to go to the postseason banquet to receive his award.
Said Carter: “I asked the media, ‘Did I lead us to 73 losses or did I lead us to nine wins?’ I didn’t think there should be an MVP.”
Carter said he doesn’t want the Denver Nuggets (currently 5-57) to break the 76ers’ record for futility. “I wasn’t good enough to get into the Hall Fame, so I certainly would like to stay in the record books for something,” he told the Denver Post.
Who needs talent when you have money
Oakland second baseman Scott Spiezio and three pals have formed a heavy-metal band called Spastic Dysphonia.
“We have all the equipment, we have all the songs,” Spiezio said. “Right now we have everything but the talent.”
Miami vice
Eddie Sefko in the Houston Chronicle, on the overly aggressive style of the Miami Heat: “Like they say, though, Miami spelled backward is ‘I maim.’ “
The last word …
“They stole his $100,000 Rolex watch. It should be an easy watch to trace. It says on the inside, ‘To Mike Tyson, With Love, Your Wife.”’
- Jay Leno on the recent robbery of Don King.
, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo