Be Accepting, Learn More
Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I are beside ourselves. Our 24-year-old son, a fine young man who always did well in school and is now successful in the business world, has dropped a bombshell on us. Last week, “Calvin” told us that he is a homosexual.
Calvin has dated a few lovely young women from time to time but never had any long-term relationships. He seemed to prefer the company of his male “pals.”
They all appeared to be decent and respectable, and we never thought a thing about it. Calvin took a roommate two years ago, and they recently decided to buy a condo. They both act perfectly normal, not effeminate or anything like that.
Can you tell us what made our son take this unexpected turn in the road? There are no homosexuals in my family or my husband’s that we know of. We are devastated at the thought that he will never marry and have a family like his two brothers. Please tell us what you can about this shattering blow. We need your help in getting through this. - Accepting But Sad in a Southern State
Dear Accepting: It’s good to know that you’re accepting, but your son did not take a sudden “turn in the road.” His sexual orientation has been present from the beginning. In other words, he didn’t get that way. He was born that way.
You need to learn more about your son’s sexual orientation in order to deal with it intelligently. Please write to PFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). The address is: 1101 14th St. N.W., Suite 1030, Washington, DC 20005 (www.pflag.org).
Dear Ann Landers: I would like to comment on the letter from “A Desperate Woman,” whose husband’s ex-wife was demanding that their daughter, “Mandy,” age 11, report everything that goes on in the house. Your response - “It is obvious that his daughter is trying to divide and conquer” - was off the mark.
It is clear that this poor child is being used by her biological mother to spy on her father’s household, and the girl probably can’t say no without feeling that she is betraying her mother. “Desperate” should insist that her husband tell his ex-wife to stop using Mandy as a spy because she is suffering irreparable harm by being made to choose sides. She has probably been told that her father and stepmother are “no good.”
The natural mother is the problem, Ann, not Mandy. As the child of divorced parents, I know what I’m talking about. If my stepmother had turned on me the way you suggested Desperate should, I think my already fragile world would have collapsed. Please reconsider your advice. - A.W. in Durham, N.C.
Dear A.W.: A zillion readers have asked me to “reconsider” my advice. Consider it reconsidered. I’m taking 40 lashes with a wet noodle. Mandy’s father should tell his ex-wife to knock it off.
Dear Ann Landers: A close friend of mine introduced my widowed sister to a man she thought would be a perfect fit. I have learned through another source that this gentleman, who is a widower, had an affair while his wife was ill with breast cancer four years ago. The person who told me this insists that the affair does not reflect on his character.
Was my friend obligated to inform me of this, or does one affair not a villain make? - Puzzled in Kookamonga
Dear Kook: In my opinion, it was an act of friendship to put the two unmarrieds together. That person who carried the tale makes me wonder what motivated him or her.