Nothing Goes Better With Cold And Rain Than Coffee

Today, in between sips of Craven’s finest, I am pondering the question: Why are we in the Northwest so hooked on coffee?

Make no mistake, we are hooked. We have a slight caffeine problem in the same way that Mary Kay Letourneau has a slight “guy” problem.

For years, I have been aware that Northwesterners were over-fond of caffeine. However, I never understood the extent of our obsession until I saw a recent poll showing that a majority of Northwesterners are now in favor of renaming the Strait of Juan de Fuca the “Strait of Juan Valdez.”

This Northwest obsession is so out of hand that it has alarmed even the world’s leading expert in the field of coffee psychosis, which, of course, would be me. My studies of this problem have taken me all over the country. When I went to Michigan, I learned that people in the Midwest can go entire blocks without seeing an espresso stand. On a trip to the South, I learned that people in Virginia can live perfectly normal lives without ever so much as sniffing a Ginger-Peach Triple-Shot Grande, although they do have a serious problem with Yoo-Hoo, the carbonated chocolate soda pop.

However, my most stunning finding occurred during a recent research trip to the Tri-Cities. You must understand, this is not exactly a trip through the teeming province of Kowloon. This is a trip through the untrammeled majesty of the channeled scablands, and you can go all 135 miles and hit only two towns, not counting the metropolis of Ritzville. One of those towns was Lind, with a population of approximately 545, which includes both people and wheat combines, and the other was Connell, with a population of 1,995, which includes a large flock of pigeons at the feed store.

Neither of these places have what some Americans might call the necessities of life, that is, a Gold’s Gym, a Boston Market franchise or a full-service tanning salon. I am not entirely certain that they even had such basics as Thai take-out or Blockbuster video. Yet what they each had was an espresso stand.

In the Northwest these days, this is what amounts to a true oasis: A tiny outpost in the middle of the vast desert, where the parched traveler can stumble into town and choke out these desperate words, “Single-shot skinny, no foam.” If Lawrence of Arabia were alive today, he would be leading guerrilla armies of Yakima residents for control of strategic Java Huts in Benton County.

So why do we crave coffee more than other regions? I have developed a few theories:

The Chill Factor - The entire Northwest tends to be chilly about nine months of the year, with Seattle of course being chilly 11 months a year. Clearly, a hot, stimulating drink has far more appeal in a cool climate. However, the Chill Factor theory does not adequately explain why espresso remains popular in Walla Walla in August, nor does it explain why Yakutsk, Siberia, hasn’t become the Latte Capital of the World.

The Dampness Factor - The constant dampness of the Northwest causes people, psychologically, to seek out a warm, invigorating liquid to counteract the cold, enervating liquid that is falling on their heads. However, this theory does not adequately explain dry outposts such as Lind and Connell, nor does it explain why Craven’s and Millstone haven’t moved more aggressively into the Falkland Islands market.

The Darkness Factor - The Northwest’s gloomy, overcast winters and short days cause people to become depressed, morose and sunlight-deprived. Caffeine, a nervous system stimulant, is said to be the Northwesterner’s home remedy for counteracting SAD, or Seasonal Affective Disorder. This theory, however, does not account for all of those people knocking back triple-shots in Pendleton in June, nor does it explain why Laplanders don’t lead the world in Gloria Jean’s franchises.

The Irritability Factor - Northwesterners, by culture, heritage and temperament, have always been a mellow, laid-back breed. So to counteract this character fault, we deliberately consume large quantities of caffeine, which make us irritable, loud, impatient, aggressive and annoying. In other words, caffeine helps us act more like regular Americans. If we could inject gall directly into our veins, we’d do that instead. But coffee is more readily available, and besides it doesn’t taste bad once you get used to it.

There is, of course, one other theory: That we’ve all been manipulated by a sinister Starbucks conspiracy. However, as I sit here drinking my third double-shot of the day, I really must say, a trifle too loudly, that I find conspiracy theories to be EXTREMELY ANNOYING.

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review