Center Concern On Child, Not Expense
Dear Miss Manners: When a group of some 30 French children and their teachers visited our children’s school for two and a half weeks, we welcomed a lovely 12-year-old into our home and spent considerable time and money making sure she had a good experience on her first stay in America.
At the end of her visit, it became apparent that she had broken our plumbing. (Although I had talked discreetly to her about sanitary supplies and she seemed to understand, she had flushed some. Also, I know that she was using a lot of toilet paper but it did not occur to me that she was not flushing enough to push it through.) By the time the plumber was gone for good (after three visits and the replacement of some sewer line in the backyard), our guest was back in Paris and we had a large bill, which we were able to pay but not without some negative feelings.
Hoping for insurance, we have talked to the organization that sponsored this trip, but they said they would pursue reimbursement from the French family. But we had talked to this family by phone several times and feel a personal relationship, sight unseen. We feel awkward having a third party deal with the situation and ungracious pursuing it ourselves.
While the bill was within our means, it was more than we are spending to send our own child to camp this summer.
We know that this girl is from a wealthy family. Should the other family’s finances even be a factor? What are the rules of hospitality in a case like this?
Gentle Reader: Are you sure you want the rules of hospitality?
Even if they require pretending that you are more interested in sparing the child’s feelings than in recouping your expense?
The host’s only concern when a guest breaks something is supposed to be in dispelling the guest’s embarrassment. That is not to say that a guest should not offer to replace what is broken, and the protesting host may fold after a strong argument, and only to relieve an obviously distressed guest.
But in this case, the child may have been unaware of what happened, or unwilling to confess it to her parents. Their wealth has nothing to do with the issue, but their providing a telephone card is a sign of their wanting her to be a good guest.
You have probably already succeeded in teaching this child (and her family and everyone they know) that Americans are a warm and generous people. Now you have a chance to undo this by sending them another stunning lesson: that Americans see everything in terms of money. (This is an outrageous slur, of course, but Miss Manners notices that it seems to apply to your advisers.)
Consider, also, the lesson that it would teach your own child. Dear as it may cost you, an example of graciousness in spite of personal loss is of inestimable value in child-rearing.
Dear Miss Manners: My son married a divorced woman with an 8-year-old child, and they now have another child, my grandson, who is one year old. What is the appropriate thing to do regarding birthday and Christmas gifts for the 8-year-old, and do I have to bring a gift every time I bring something for my grandson?
Gentle Reader: Nobody has to bring presents and mean old Miss Manners has been known to tell parents that they cannot force step-relationships on auxiliary relatives who don’t want them. At the same time, Miss Manners cannot understand why anyone would wish to make the symbolic point that she is distancing herself from a member of her son’s family. If you wish to be welcome and beloved in that household, she would advise you to appear as an inclusive, rather than a discriminatory, grandmother.
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate