Let her go even if it hurts; she’ll love you for it

Dear Carolyn: A woman I’ve dated for seven months just hit me like a deer in the headlights with the not-you-me-no-longer-feeling- what-I-was-feeling talk. I think she said goodbye because she’s afraid of getting close. She’s a great catch and I know nothing I say will convince her of the magnificence of me, but what if it is commitment issues? I.e., would commenting on this possibly do any good to stop a breakup I don’t want to happen? – Puzzled in Bawlmer

Oh no. Not the not-you-me-no-longer-feeling-what-I-was-feeling talk.

The only thing worse than that might be the I-know-you-better-than-you-know-yourself response – so, no, I don’t think you should say anything about your commitment-fear theory.

Big style points, though, if you can pull off some similar mention of the magnificence of you.

Either way, trust her to mean what she said. You not only save yourself the futile anguish of reading things into her words; not wanting to be with you is not wanting to be with you, after all, regardless of the “true” reason.

You also, conveniently, leave her with a dreamy parting impression: that you like and respect her enough, and yourself enough, to accept her parting even though you’d greatly prefer her to stay.

That’s a guy she’d go back to, if she did in fact leave because she was too goofy for you to stay, which we don’t believe only because we’re taking her at her word and not flogging ourselves with false hope. Right? Right.

Hi Carolyn: Should I provide my mother with my boyfriend’s colored history before she meets him, or should we just go in cold?

I’m 24, he’s 34. I met him at work. We get along in all ways. Here are my plans for the “first meeting”: I don’t want to tell her anything about him such as his age, where he lives (with his parents) or what his past is (he is divorced, no kids), and why he is living with his parents – planning to buy a house this spring. So basically he fell on hard times.

I’m afraid my mom will see only that he looks bad on paper, if I tell her his history pre-meeting. I want to be fair to him as well, though, and don’t want to put him on the spot. – New Jersey

Colored? Is that halfway between pristine and checkered?

If you want to be fair to this guy, you might want to stop judging him so harshly yourself.

Granted, not too many high school seniors lobby to be named Most Likely to Get Divorced and Move Back In With Parents. But he’s employed, unattached, (apparently) saving for his future and about three decades too young to be a dirty old coot. No apparent malingering, nor malice. Give the guy some credit, please.

So he’s got 10 years of life on you. If your mom fears that might hurt you, don’t argue, because she’s justified. Experience gaps are tough to bridge. Just tell her that’s why you’re dating, not married.

But if your mom believes – or you believe – he needed to execute those years flawlessly to be worthy, time for a flawlessness check on thyselves.

Meantime, try this plan: Stop planning. Introduce him as you have others. Might help you both see that’s all he is.