Local dealers of dope fail to deliver the goods

I spent a frustrating hour in the cold rain Friday, wandering some of the seamier streets of downtown Spokane, searching for a dope dealer to hook me up.

Hey, I thought this burg was supposed to be an easy place to score.

Flash a few greenbacks along West First and you’ll have junkies showing up like Avon ladies to sell you meth, crack, pot, heroin and probably Soylent Green. But I don’t want any of that junk. I’m jonesing for that rarest of black market drugs.

I want a flu shot.

David, smoking a cigarette in a doorway on First, doubted if there were any pushers around who could satisfy my needs.

“I don’t think it’s the drug of choice,” he added.

It should be.

The county’s flu supply is down to the last 2,000 doses. Health department workers are doling it out to the elderly, kids and people considered at the highest risk of dying.

“There’s not enough for everyone,” said Dr. Kim Thorburn, health officer for the Spokane Regional Health District, in a newspaper story.

So where does that leave poor Doug?

Out in the drizzle looking for drug traffickers – that’s where.

I’m sorry it had to come to this. But I gotta monkey on my back and Bonzo needs a flu shot fix.

A few weeks ago, I strolled up to the human resources office and filled out the “Influenza Vaccination Consent Form.” I stuck it in my desk along with some cash so I would be ready when Needle Day arrived.

Then the news broke about the nationwide shortage of flu vaccine. Suddenly the available stash was out of reach.

Well, excuse me for being too healthy and not geezerish enough.

It’s the American story: You never know how bad you want something until somebody says you can’t have it.

I’m not unfeeling. I don’t want to cheat any deserving people out of a flu shot.

That’s why I’m trying to tap the unofficial supply.

“Somebody’s probably cooking it on the West Side,” observed Carolyn near the old Luminaria store. “If they can cook meth they should be able to come up with a flu shot.”

My point exactly.

Our local meth industry has produced some of Washington’s most inventive kitchen-sink chemists. These tweakers are magicians with a bag of cold pills and a jug of ether.

Could whipping up a batch of vaccine pose much of a challenge?

OK, so maybe meth-head sanitation isn’t quite up to laboratory standards. But in lean times, a guy can’t be picky.

Robert, a man in a camouflage Army jacket, told me there was no money in bootleg flu vaccine when I stopped him on the sidewalk outside the Otis Hotel on Madison Street.

This guy could write a book on Spokane dope deal economics.

A $20 bill, he said, buys a quarter-gram of meth, which keeps a person twitching like a sprung monkey for 36 hours.

Consumers with less means can turn $5 into two marijuana joints also known as bombers, reefers and Willie Nelsons.

Crack is no bargain. Twenty bucks gives you about an hour’s worth of high, said Robert.

Well, I’m not looking to get high. And “I’d pay three times that much for a flu shot,” I said.

Just when I thought my quest was hopeless, my cell phone rang.

It was Scoop, a friend from San Diego. He told me he had heard about my mission from his brother, who lives in Spokane.

He offered me a flu shot option if I struck out on the street. Mexico, he said, is apparently swimming in vaccine.

“I can slip over the border in 15 minutes,” he said. “I think I can secrete some vials and bring them back.”

Secrete? I didn’t like the sound of that.

“Just where are you going to be hiding these vials in order to get through U.S. Customs?”

Scoop laughed. “I’d better not give away my secrets.”

I told him to stay put and please not do any secreting until he heard from me. Quite frankly, I’d rather catch the flu.