Top dogs have something to say about pawlitics
Only an isolated mountain man would not know that the political season is here, in all its mud-slinging glory.
You may wonder what this has to do with good pet ownership, but I think one of the great benefits of pets is they can give us a lighthearted view of the world and reason to laugh.
What would our American political system look like if the dogs had a vote? What would the candidates for the U.S. President of Dogs sound like?
At a recent social gathering at the Association of Pet Dog Trainers (APDT.com) annual convention, I heard canine candidates (actually humans cleverly disguised as dogs) give stump speeches for the “Dog”ecratic and Re”pup”lican parties.
Here’s a taste of Amercanine Pawlitics!
“Howdy” said our current top dog, the Repuplican candidate, Toto. “As you know, we have made great gains in the last four years.
“Gains in security, gains in the economy, gains in education. And as your President of Dawgs, I will continue to stay the course, and I will keep digging.
“Some say the hole is deep enough. I say – keep digging.
“Some say the hole is the wrong place. I say – keep digging!
“Some say we’re tearing up the yard!! You know what I say? Keep digging!
“The dawg catcher threat is real, it is looming, it is … threatening. The dawg catchers hate us for one reason – they hate us for our freedom. They want to see us all in kennels and on leashes.
“I’m a tough president. I can lick any opponent. I can lick any problem. Heck, I’m a dawg – I’ll lick anything!
“And I don’t need permission from the French poodles to do it! We must assume an offensive and dominant posture.
“We must growl a deep, chesty growl and bare our front teeth directly at the enemy. They can’t take our bones from us!
“Our economy is growing stronger every day. I plan to continue to foster economic growth by increasing tax relief to dawg food and pet toy manufacturers. Have you seen what my opponent retrieves? Not slippers – FLIP-FLOPS! Yeah, that’s right. Flip-flops.
“My opponent wants this country to rely on socialized veterinary care. We all know this would be a great mistake! The answer is not in socializing veterinary care but in malamute-practice reform.
“My opponent wants to increase funding for our already failing public obedience schools. But rarely is the question asked, “Is our puppies learning?” The answer is in obedience school vouchers and increased obedience testing. Free markets and competition is the only way.
“So on November 2nd, do not misunderstimate the power of your vote. In these dangerous times, we need to stay the course and keep digging to defeat the dawg catchers.
“Dawg bless you, and may Dawg continue to bless America.”
“Friends, citizens, countrydogs,” said Snoopy the Dogecratic party candidate, “lend me your rears!
“We will face head-on the threat of the dog-catcher. Who will better protect Americanines? The candidate who served in ViszlaNam, or the candidate who did not come when called?
“We will not run, we will not hide, we will not stop until this threat is eliminated. We will increase the number of paws on the ground and strengthen security in vital areas such as New Yorkie City.
“We are facing a crisis in this country. Millions of dogs are without adequate veterinary care or good jobs.
“While the top dogs in this country have more bones that they could possibly chew, many puppies don’t have any bones at all. While the administration gives big breaks to the dog food manufacturers, more dogs are working harder for less kibble every year.
“Obedience school scores and graduation rates are at an all-time low and, as a result, dog bites and disobedience have skyrocketed.
“Is this the kind of world we want for our puppies? For our working dog families? For our senior dogs? We can do better.
“We must ensure that veterinary care for all is a right, not a privilege. We must ensure that our working dogs have jobs so they can earn good bones to raise their puppies.
“We will help reduce the dog-bite rate by improving the quality of our obedience schools. We will fully fund Puppy Head Start and No Puppy Left Behind. And for working moms, we will also increase funding for the Doggie Day-Care Programs.
“I know it’s not enough for just some of us to prosper. Our Founding Studs believed we should be connected as one pack.
“Yet even as we bark, there are those who are trying to divide us. Well, I say to them tonight, there’s not a brindle America and a spotted America. There’s not a mixed-breed America and a purebred America. We are all one – Dogecrats, Repuplicans, Livertarians – the United States of Americanines.
“So, please, on November 2nd, vote for life, liberty and the pursuit of tennis balls. For making us stronger at home and respected in the kennel. And for more fire hydrants per block!
“Thank you and Dog bless.”
Of course, dogs can not vote. They have no thumbs to punch the ballots!
But we are blessed with thumbs and privileged to live where we can vote. So for the sake of all dogs everywhere, exercise your dog and your right to vote.
My thanks to campaign handlers Dr. Louisa Beal (Snoopy), Margaret Johnson (Toto), and speechwriters Mel Bussey and Rob Dollars and to the Association of Pet Dog Trainers for allowing me to report this pawlitical debate.