Dysfunction cost of putting price tag on their love

Dear Annie: I think I have the son from hell. “Quentin” is 33, lives out of state and goes to graduate school. He is engaged and plans to marry in a few months. So far, I have bought him six different cars and a house. Now he wants to sell the house and expects to keep the money — close to $150,000.

I have paid for Quentin’s education for the past five years, along with all his clothes, trips, etc. After agreeing to give him the money from the house sale, I said I refuse to pay for his final year of graduate school. Now he is quite angry with me.

Our relationship hasn’t been good for several months. Yesterday, Quentin called to say it’s better if I don’t come to his wedding because I am a “disturbance.” Further, I was told, I will not get an invitation to his graduation.

I know I have spoiled him and created this monster, but should I write him off completely? He is my only child and would have inherited a lot. What do you think? — Mother in Colorado

Dear Mother: You have given Quentin the impression that his love is a commodity that can be purchased, and he has been charging you plenty. That he thinks your presence at his wedding would be a “disturbance” indicates there is more to this story than what you’ve told us.

You don’t owe your son the cost of graduate school, but if money is the only way he can gauge your love, he naturally becomes angry when you won’t pay. You and Quentin need to communicate better on an emotional level, although after 33 years, it will take a lot of joint effort. Ask him to go with you for family counseling. If he refuses, consider talking to a therapist on your own to find out if there are ways to change your behavior, so he can change his. Good luck.

Dear Annie: Back in high school, I was given a nickname that I hated because it was a jab at my physical appearance. I was an awkward teen and didn’t get my “good looks” until college.

Recently, I became acquainted with the wife of an old schoolmate. She said that when she mentioned my name to her husband, he referred to me by this old nickname. I know she meant no harm by repeating it, so I said nothing about how it hurt my feelings.

I will be attending my 10-year reunion next spring, and I am wondering what to say to those people who will call me by this nickname. I’d like to be polite but put them in their place. Ten years is ample time for someone to realize that such nicknames are immature. Any help? — I Have a Real Name

Dear Real Name: You realize, of course, that childhood nicknames tend to stick around for life — especially if you don’t see these classmates often enough to alter their memories of you. If any of them use this nickname at the reunion, simply act surprised and say with a smile, “I’d forgotten how juvenile that nickname was. I don’t respond to it anymore.” Then don’t.

Dear Annie: I work with someone who wears the same shirt every day. Since I started counting, he has worn it 18 consecutive days, with no end in sight. Should I say something to him or just ignore it? — Hygienic Worker in Canada

Dear Worker: Is the shirt clean and in good condition? If so, say nothing. If it appears that the shirt hasn’t been laundered in those 18 consecutive days, or if the cuffs are frayed and there are holes in the pocket, take him aside privately and ask if he’d like help shopping for clothes. Perhaps you can recommend a decent, inexpensive store where he can expand his wardrobe.