Martha gets domestic tips for cell

Martha Stewart may know how to turn a pine cone into a Pontiac.

But when she steps inside that Handcuff Hotel next month, America’s goddess of good taste will be more clueless than Britney Spears with a marriage manual.

Well, it’s Martha’s lucky day.

On Friday, I met a woman who doles out jailhouse living tidbits the way Martha dispenses homemaking nuggets.

Example 1: Say Martha’s having a few felons over to her cell for an evening of tattoo comparison and escape plans.

Back at her mansion, she could order a lackey to whip up a batch of “pumpkin-seed crackle” as found on page 58 of October’s “Martha Stewart Living” magazine.

But inside the joint, well, what’s a hoosegow hostess to do?

It’s Jailhouse Burrito time!

Simply place contents of one (1) pack of Top Ramen noodles into bowl of hot water. Leave until noodles congeal like spackle.

Put soggy noodle mass onto flat surface and smoosh vigorously with hand or Gideon Bible. Cover flattened noodle surface with generous serving of squeeze cheese. Roll into a tube.

Let cure for five minutes and – Voila!

Dinner is served.

Don’t thank me, Martha. Thank Karen Deaton.

“Absolutely delicious,” says Deaton of Jailhouse Burritos. “Our favorite snack.”

Like Martha Stewart, Deaton is bound for a federal corrections facility.

The 63-year-old zillionaire faces five months for lying about her stock sale. Deaton, 42, is staring at 15 years for conspiracy to deliver methamphetamine.

She has spent the last 10 months in the Spokane County Jail and has a wonderful sense of humor considering her prospects.

When I asked jail Sgt. Mike Sparber to find me an inmate who could give Martha some cell-keeping tips, he knew just who to ask.

Martha will need all the help she can get.

Example 2. The advice guru is used to clean linen and freshly scrubbed servants. But in a few weeks she may be breathing the foul air that comes with sharing a cramped concrete cage with exposed toilet.

Back at the mansion, Martha could order the gardener to plant more jasmine-smelling Canterbury Surprise, as found on page 71 of October’s “Martha Stewart Living.”

Inside the pokey, she’ll need Deaton’s recipe to dispel cell smell.

Place one (1) stick of jail-issue deodorant into basin of hot water. Swish around to dissolve deodorant. Pour water into plastic spray bottle.

Spritz cell from ceiling to floor. If needed, dump whatever’s left on hygiene-impaired cellmate.

“Kind of piney,” says Deaton.

Example 3: Martha may not have access to an Avon lady in prison. But she can still look as pink-lipped and radiant as she does on page 53 of October’s “Martha Stewart Living.”

According to Deaton, any inmate can mix her own Lockup Makeup.

Need eye shadow or eyeliner?

Dip a colored pencil in hot water. The lead becomes soft and will transfer color just like Revlon.

How about lipstick?

A red pencil stirred in a glob of Blistex will give your lips a rosy glow, she says.

And here’s some good news. Martha won’t have to trade cigarettes to get any of the items mentioned today, says Deaton. They can all be bought at the prison commissary.

Deaton sure knows the ins and outs of life on the inside. She should publish her own magazine, “Slammer Living.”

Like Martha’s zine, each issue would be chock full of worthwhile ideas like, “Using Toothpaste as an Adhesive,” or “How to Get Rid of Your Drug Sick Cellmate.”

It’s strange to think of Martha Stewart dressed in drab prison duds, cut off from her world of crystal goblets and insider trading.

“I think anybody who goes to prison is going to have to adjust,” says Deaton, adding that Martha deserves every second behind bars and then some. “She did a bad thing.”