Family secrets tend to come out eventually
Dear Annie: I am the mother of a child conceived through artificial insemination. My husband had a vasectomy after our second child was born, because we both had decided that was enough, but we later changed our minds and decided we wanted another child. My husband agreed to the insemination on the condition that the child never be told about it.
That child is now in his early 20s, a talented, intelligent and mature young man. I fear that someday a medical or genetic test will uncover the fact that his dad is not his biological father, and he will be devastated by the news.
I wish we had told him when he was young. Now, I’m afraid to spill the beans, not only because it will be shocking news, but also because my husband still doesn’t want our son to know. What happens down the road if it should be uncovered? If it occurs after my husband and I are dead, I wouldn’t want my son to think he was the result of some affair I’d had. What is the right thing to do? – Worried Mom
Dear Mom: Your son is an adult now and deserves to have, at the very least, his correct medical history. These family secrets tend to come out sooner or later, and it is best if your son hears this information from you. While there may be some emotional upheaval and more than a few questions, your son eventually will come to grips with the situation. If he has a loving relationship with his father now, that will not change.
Please discuss this with your husband and urge him to present a united front when you talk to your son. Hiding from the truth will not make the unpleasantness disappear. The sooner you face it, the better.
Dear Annie: I am getting married in four months. One of my bridesmaids is my best friend, “Deanne.” Two months ago, the bridesmaids were fitted for their dresses. When I went back to the shop two weeks ago, I was told that Deanne didn’t order her dress yet. Deanne explained that she didn’t have the money.
Annie, Deanne doesn’t have a job and relies on her parents for support. Because of time constraints, I felt I had no choice but to buy the dress and ask Deanne for the money later. When I told her, she readily agreed to pay me back.
My fiancé and I are paying for the wedding, and I could really use the $150 Deanne owes. How long should I wait before I ask her to pay me back? I don’t want to hurt our friendship, but I feel it’s her responsibility to pay for her own dress. What should I do? – Baffled Bride-to-Be
Dear Bride: Some brides, knowing a bridesmaid is in financial distress, will purchase the dress as a gift, but obviously, you cannot afford to do this. Give Deanne a month, and then say sweetly, “I don’t want to nag, but I’m really in a bind and could use the money you owe. Can you repay a little each week?”
Dear Annie: This is in response to “Heartbroken,” whose husband died tragically in an automobile accident and left behind pornographic garbage. She felt she had been betrayed not only by his death, but also by his sexual addiction. I am a sex addict. It is an extremely difficult addiction to overcome, and I am involved with therapy and regularly attend meetings of Sex Addicts Anonymous.
I recommend that “Heartbroken” attend local meetings for co-dependents of sex addicts. This should help her come to terms with her deceased husband’s addiction. It also should help her realize that he did indeed love her, despite his imperfections. – Recovering through SAA
Dear Recovering: Thank you for your helpful suggestions. For those who need it, Sex Addicts Anonymous is reachable through (800) 477-8191 or saa-recovery.org. For those who are co-dependents of sex addicts, try COSA (cosa-recovery.org), P.O. Box 14537, Minneapolis, MN 55414.