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These stories will drop on our doorstep

Journalists get so bogged down always trying to tell people what happened. The way things are going this summer, what everybody really wants to know is – Oh, my Lord, what next?

I, however, am a reporter who refuses to be bound by the straitjacket of current events.

Predicting the news of the future is so much more challenging. So join me today as I dare to bring you the big stories before they happen:

“Jim West’s problems mount when the Spokane mayor is seen at Riverfront Park offering a City Hall internship to the garbage-sucking goat.

“Spokane’s colorful downtown art bears are replaced with more familiar sidewalk symbols: shirtless felons on ratty bicycles.

“Due to a publishing mix-up, the latest edition of the black Hagadone telephone directory doesn’t contain phone numbers. It is actually a list of all the little people Coeur d’Alene business mogul Duane Hagadone stepped on during his climb to the top.

“The federal judge who was accused of sexually gratifying himself at Spokane’s Riverfront Park last month is caught handing himself a subpoena.

“The rotting corpse of Richard Butler crawls out of the grave and leads an army of Zombie Nazis to regain his former Hayden Lake Aryan Nations compound.

“Alarming revelations of abuse at Morning Star Boys’ Ranch continue to surface when it is learned that some adolescent ranch residents in the 1970s were sent to bed without their suppers.

“Health officials rescind their orders that Bob Apple stock the restrooms in his Hillyard saloon with toilet paper as long as the Spokane councilman promises to give customers clean corncobs and a free bottle of Schlitz.

“The refurbished Monroe Street Bridge collapses under the load when Spokane County Commissioner Phil Harris shows up for the bridge’s grand opening bash with all the Harris kinfolk who are on the county payroll.

“The Spokane Transit Authority decides to keep its $20 million downtown bus plaza but will rename the facility Club Meth.

“In exchange for removing the Gypsy Curse he placed on the city, Jimmy Marks is given a suitcase full of cash and a one-way bus ticket to Mexico.

“Sixty percent of freshmen entering Washington State University this fall list “cirrhosis” as their major.

“Avista executives respond to soaring energy prices by giggling, hugging each other and diving head first into tanks of money.

“Spokane County Interstate Fair officials unveil this year’s theme: “Carnies, Critters and Cholesterol!”

“The new Spokane Valley Heritage Museum closes when thieves make off with the aluminum siding exhibit.

“Washington teenagers who engage in a dangerous but increasingly popular “choking game” say they got the idea watching Mariners baseball.

“As a sequel to the popular sidewalk art moose, Coeur d’Alene boosters announce a new public sculpture campaign with a more identifiable community symbol: Sad Chad, the minimum wage hospitality worker.

“Spokane officials put an end to a trial run with downtown solar-powered parking pay stations when a tourist is incinerated trying to trick the machine with a Canadian Loonie.

“Seventy-nine percent of freshmen entering Eastern Washington University this fall list “commuting” as their major.

“Area casinos report record profits thanks to the new direct-deposit welfare check program for low-income gambling addicts.

“Spokane homeless activists pack their tents and suspend a planned protest of the city’s public camping ban to go find jobs and become productive citizens.

“Area grass farmers add old tires to their annual field burning ritual. Nobody notices a difference.

“Spokane City Council members vote unanimously to install security cameras and alarms inside the garbage-sucking goat.


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