If family peace means nothing, fake an excuse
Dear Annie: This year, our son and daughter-in-law are hosting Christmas dinner. We have hosted it in the past, and her parents did it before us, and each time, the entire family attended. The problem is, my husband prefers not to get together with the whole family during the holidays. We wouldn’t mind every now and then, but it is an every-time, every-holiday thing.
We don’t want to hurt our son or daughter-in-law, and don’t know how to gracefully say we prefer not to be in big gatherings. Our daughter-in-law uses the “hurt feelings” statement about a lot of things, and this is likely to be one of them.
When is it OK to say thanks, but no thanks? We can’t say we have plans with other family members, since no one else lives close enough to visit. Every holiday, I feel the stress of wanting to make my husband comfortable and tiptoeing around this issue with the daughter-in-law. We love our kids, but what do I do? – Stressed Out
Dear Stressed: How many holidays are we talking about here? Two? Three? We don’t understand why, for the sake of family harmony, you and your husband cannot put up with your son and his family a few times a year. It’s actually a small price to pay to maintain a peaceful relationship.
If you truly cannot bear to spend one second more with these people, we suggest you plead anxiety attacks, which may, in fact, be what is going on. Tell your son and his wife that Hubby has problems being with large groups of people, and you hope they will understand if you visit them privately after the big holiday feast.
Dear Annie: I have been married more than 25 years to a wonderful, caring, well-adjusted man who has never been interested in sex. He is not gay. He is totally faithful. But his sex drive is almost nonexistent. While our no-sex marriage has been very frustrating at times, I love him too much to divorce him or have an affair. I just cope the best I can.
My question is this: Can a person truly be asexual? Most medical providers say the problem is either low testosterone or psychological. Period. Well, he’s had all the medical tests, and everything’s normal. Counselors confirm that he’s a well-adjusted guy. I’m convinced that he’s just “wired” that way. Any answers? – No Sex for Me
Dear No Sex: According to a recent study in The Journal of Sex Research, about one percent of adults have absolutely no interest in sex. Since your husband is otherwise healthy and you want to stay with him, we hope you can find satisfaction through other means. For more information on asexuality, try the Asexual Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org.
Dear Annie: Why do people think it’s OK to criticize thin people? I’m 5 feet 2, weigh about 100 pounds and am a petite woman. All my life I have been belittled because I’m skinny.
As a child, people asked, “Doesn’t your mother feed you?” When I was pregnant, I was warned that I’d never be able to deliver a large baby. (For the record, I delivered a 9-pound, 10-ounce baby through natural childbirth.) I also as told that I’d never be able to breastfeed my child because I was too small- chested. Salespeople have said, “You make me sick,” or, “I hate you,” because I can still fit into a size 2 at age 42. No doctor has ever told me I need to gain weight. Most say if I’m energetic and healthy, it’s normal for me.
Why is it politically incorrect to tell fat people they are fat, but it’s always open season on us skinny folk? – Thin in Montreal
Dear Montreal: We’re pretty sure you realize these comments are backhanded compliments, born of jealousy, because you seem quite proud of your body. But you are correct that it is rude to comment about one’s size, regardless of its heft.