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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Weigh effects of leaving him against staying

Kathy Mitchell Marcy Sugar Creators Syndicate

Dear Annie: I have been married for 23 years to a “wonderful” man. He is a good provider and a good family man, doesn’t drink or smoke, and goes to church every week. Unfortunately, he is emotionally bankrupt. He is unable to share his feelings with me about anything, and it makes me feel unloved. We have three grown children, and they are all we have in common.

I have gone to counseling multiple times throughout our marriage, due to my feelings of inadequacy and unhappiness. My husband does not feel he needs counseling because I am the one who is unhappy. Of course he is happy. I take care of everything and satisfy his needs.

I am very depressed and don’t want to work on this marriage anymore. I feel so empty and alone. I know you often advise counseling, but I have been doing that, and nothing changes. My husband asks why I can’t simply accept him the way he is, but I need more. Please help. – Sad and Alone in New York

Dear Sad: Counseling will not change someone else. It is meant to help you change yourself. Either you learn to accept your husband as he is and make the best of it, or you leave.

Are you better off with him or without him? Are there children who still live at home? Are you financially able to support yourself? Counseling will help you work through your feelings so you can make the best decision.

Dear Annie: I have a 44-year-old son who is divorced and the father of two young children. “Alex” lives out of state, and whenever I visit, I stay at a motel. My son seldom pays for anything when I’m in town, but I’ve grown accustomed to this over the years and just pay the check wherever we go, especially at restaurants.

During my most recent visit, Alex invited his ex-wife to have dinner with us – on my tab. When he informed me that “Elizabeth” would be joining us, I said, “Oh, why didn’t you mention it?” Alex became furious and caused a scene. Now, I’m sure my grandchildren think less of me because they assume I didn’t want to pay for their mother’s dinner.

Am I wrong to think Alex should have consulted me before inviting her? I would have said it’s OK, but I think it’s bad manners to include another dinner guest, especially if someone else is paying for her meal. I left a day earlier than planned, and Alex didn’t call before I left. What should I do? – Disappointed Grandpa

Dear Grandpa: You don’t need to do anything. Alex was at fault. Of course he should have told you Elizabeth was coming. Sometimes, when people know they are in the wrong, they behave defensively in order to push their guilt onto you. Continue as if nothing happened, but the next time you visit, make sure to ask Elizabeth to join you. That should clear things up for the children.

Dear Annie: I read the letter from “No Place Like Home,” whose grown children and their families come for every holiday meal. What were you thinking, telling her to ask the kids to bring their own special foods? An old lady should not have to wait on adult children and grandchildren at all.

I am 71 years old and have six kids and 11 grandchildren. Five years ago, I told them they are taking over the responsibility of having Christmas at their homes, and I am simply going to come over and relax because I have done enough. – Kizzi

Dear Kizzi: It’s wonderful when the kids offer to take over these family events, but not all of them will, and more importantly, not all parents want to give them up. We agree, though, that at some point, the kids should make sure Mom no longer has to cook the meals and wash the dishes.