Spokane reader asks about Stan Van Gundy’s family

Sitting on a brown leather sofa and watching nothing but ABC shows – as part of a “Live With Regis and Kelly” promotion – Suresh Joachim of Toronto broke the Guinness world record for the longest time spent watching TV earlier this year, finishing at 69 hours, 48 minutes.

Tcch.

Couch Slouch is supposed to be impressed? I have watched 19 consecutive NFL draft telecasts on ESPN, gavel to gavel.

Try that without your meds.

(Legend has it my first ex-wife left while the Bengals were on the clock during the 1988 draft.)

To this day, I watch more TV than any 10 Nielsen homes combined. But today, in a nod to the holiday spirit, the remote gets a rest, and because everyone can use a little extra pocket change this time of year, we present an expanded edition of the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway:

Q. What ever made you think you could beat the marriage game, pal? (J.D. Cole; Pittsburgh)

A. Actually, I’ve finally put my finger on why the divorce rate is so high. When a man asks a woman, “Will you marry me?” she generally says, “Yes,” within seconds. This makes no sense. After all, this is perhaps the most important decision of one’s adult life, and it’s answered without a moment’s pause? Heck, the typical consumer takes longer to pick out new carpeting than to decide on a marriage proposal. Think about it – if you’re dragging around carpet swatches for days, mulling over color schemes, shouldn’t you take a step back before you choose THIS GUY over every other guy? So, to me, the proper answer to, “Will you marry me?” is, “Let me get back to you by the end of business Friday.”

Q. To be honest, I didn’t even realize Stan Van Gundy had a family. (Russ Gorton; Spokane)

A. He doesn’t. Pat Riley bought Van Gundy a picture frame for Christmas, then told Van Gundy the family in the photo that came with the frame was his.

Q. So how’s that Team of Destiny pick working out for you? (Rusty Payne; McLean, Va.)

A. The Arizona Cardinals are maybe five or six plays away – per game – from an unbeaten season.

Q. I have studied the new dress code promulgated by the NBA and concluded that if it were applied to the PGA Tour, the fine levied would exceed the gross national product of Guatemala. (Roger Minor; Houston, Texas)

A. Your conclusion is worth a buck-twenty five.

Q. I know you’ve done it before, but can you rate the oceans again? (Douglas Castleman; Apex, N.C.)

A. No, but I’ll rate the world’s top rivers. 1. Nile. (In a class of its own, though it’s crying out for a floating riverboat casino.) 2. Mississippi. (If it’s good enough for Huck Finn, it’s good enough for me.) 3. Thames. (Only bugaboo – boats travel on the wrong side of the water.) 4. Susquehanna. (Underrated waterway has charm, spunk and algae.) 5. Hudson. (Popular with Big Apple locals for great fishing and dumping bodies.) Honorable mention: L.A. River. (Hidden treasure in the City of Angels, most notably because nobody can find it.)

Q. Does Maryland have any famous alumni? (Jeff Clarke; Stratford, Ontario)

A. Well, we had that New York Times reporter who made up a lot of stuff a couple of years back. Plus, Boomer Esiason is doing some pretty fine work, thank you very much.

Q. Does a guy have a better chance for prolonged happiness with a woman who shares his interest in sports and wants to watch games by his side, or should he seek a spouse who has absolutely no interest and would allow him to watch games with his buddies? (Jay Kvasnicka; Muskego, Wis.)

A. Your best chance for prolonged happiness is to sleep in most days and find the most affordable phone-sex plan on the market.

Q. Just wondering – when Lou Holtz leaves his current job at ESPN, will the NCAA begin investigating the network? (Larry Rosen; Chicago)

A. Just wondering – how quickly can you spend $1.25?

Q. MLS’s San Jose Earthquakes are moving to Houston next season. Is this a good thing? (Martin Bausch; Tacoma)

A. This could be the break San Jose has been looking for.

Q. I’ve noticed that playing time in the NBA is now documented in minutes and seconds, instead of just minutes as in the past. Did your cadre of ex-wives similarly track time spent with you as the marital days wore on? (Tom Forristell; Sagamore Hills, Ohio)

A. Funny, funny guy. Pay the gentleman, Shirley.

Q. Terrell Owens ripped the Eagles because they did not publicly acknowledge his 100th career touchdown. What did your newspapers do to commemorate your 100th column? (David Heller; Miami)

A. I believe they printed most of it.

Q. In my next lifetime, I want to come back as Norman Chad. (Bob Palocko; Cleveland)

A. You don’t have to wait until then – you can take over being me right now. Shirley?