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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Hey, don’t get railroaded, get Aqua Fuel


Aqua Fuel is the
Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

Tired of flushing your money away on Name Brand laxatives?

Do your joints creak like the Tin Man after a downpour?

Are those automotive lube-and-oil-change joints taking you for a ride?

Wake up, America!

Stop pouring cash down the drain. Start pouring the wonder liquid scientifically designed for ALL your lubricating needs.

It’s Aqua Fuel – the “Depot-Licious” drink from Burlington Laboratories “with just a splash of hi-grade diesel.”

Once the word spreads, every thirsty consumer will want the liquid with the oil-slick rainbow in every clear plastic bottle.

This gift to humankind wouldn’t have been possible were it not for that “leak-proof” BNSF Railway Co. refueling depot in Hauser.

Leak-proof?

Ha! More like depot of “oily running sores.”

But what a lucky spill for all of us! Thanks to the leakage, the experts at Burlington Laboratories were able to create the perfect cocktail of sparkling clear Spokane Valley-Rathdrum Prairie Aquifer drinking water and diesel-tainted railroad refueling ooze.

One bottle of Aqua Fuel will have your bowels moving like the Orient Express!

Two bottles and your car will never need another oil change.

Three bottles and you’re captain of the Exxon Valdez.

(Warning: Ingestion of this product may result in dysfunction, dyslexia and dyspepsia. Do not belch around open flames.)

“We’ve mixed the taste of the Great Northwest with the petroleum wells of the Middle East!” says Dr. Charlie Schmidt, Nobel Prize-winning alchemist, designer of the Aqua Fuel bottle label and itinerant drummer.

For purposes of honest disclosure it should be mentioned that I am a chief investor and co-creator of Aqua Fuel.

As such I stand to make billions from sales.

Or get sued by those arrogant, lying BNSF polluters.

But I know what you’re wondering.

You’re wondering:

“Where can I buy this slick elixir and how much will it cost?”

You won’t find Aqua Fuel in stores. Don’t bother looking on TV.

You can only get Aqua Fuel direct from Burlington Laboratories for $4.87 a bottle. (Plus a modest $3 dripping and handling fee.)

But wait, there’s more!

Order two bottles today and we will send you ABSOLUTELY FREE a copy of the BNSF Railway Co. corporate handbook: “Deny, Deceive & Derail – a Lie-by-Lie Roadmap to Railroading the Public.”

That’s right. This is the very same administrative manual used by chiseling Enron executives, Metropolitan Mortgage Co. parasites and those geniuses running the Iraq War.

And all of it’s yours while supplies last!

On the Atkins Diet?

Never fear. Aqua Fuel contains no carbohydrates, no calories, no cholesterol, no sodium, no fats and 30 percent of the FDA daily minimum requirements for Vitamin D(iesel).

Act fast. Just the other day, a Kootenai County judge ordered the BNSF to clear the tracks and close down the refueling depot, where four leaks have been found.

Discouraging as this development may seem, we at Burlington Laboratories remain optimistic.

This great country was built and shaped by railroad robber barons who squashed anyone and anything that stood in their larcenous way.

We fully expect the Hauser depot to be ignoring the public and hosing the environment before you can say “Casey Jones.”

Listen to the testimonials from satisfied customers who have joined the Aqua Fuel stampede:

“Aqua Fuel is sexy slippery fun.” – T. Harding, oil wrestler.

“Kills on contact.” – J. Dahmer, chef.

“A little diesel in the water never hurt nobody.” – I. B. Flack, BNSF spokesman.

Bottoms up, people.

Drink Aqua Fuel. It’s Depot-Licious!