If she’s the one, indulge; else, move on

Howdy: I met someone eight years ago, one of those “I met the person I’m going to marry” things for both of us. Of course, it wasn’t that simple. She was in an abusive relationship, and I played the savior role of helping her through it, and then being her friend through the aftermath (“I can’t be with you yet … so I’m going to have a fling to make myself feel better” was one of her catch-phrases). This lasted a few years until I moved on, but I never really did move on. No woman I was with had a fighting chance, because “the one” was always lurking in my consciousness.

Well, “the one” got her world together and made some changes, and is still everything I could possibly want in my partner, on paper. She has been making a lot of effort to break down whatever walls I have put up. I’m just unwilling to go there with her. I guess it could be a high SPF … self-protection-factor. But something in me says it just ain’t supposed to be that hard. Life throws enough your way to get through together as it is, and when it’s right, it flows. What do you think? – A.

I think that’s everything you could want in a philosophy, on paper.

In life, though? You collect more drama than my inbox. Eternity at first sight, abusers, saviors, attention-seeking flings, grand exits, hauntings, emotional walls, discoveries you were switched at birth by a conniving uncle, repentant exes. Life tends to throw a lot more your way when you wear a big paisley catcher’s mitt.

If you want to put the matter of this girl truly to rest – note the “if” – then make a decision. Not about her, about yourself: Is this who you want to be, and is this what you want out of life? Ifs and intrigue and women who say things to you like, “I can’t be with you yet … so I’m going to have a fling to make myself feel better”?

All forehead-slapping aside, I put this to you as a legitimate choice. There isn’t one life flavor that suits every taste; don’t order what you think you’re supposed to want. Admit to yourself what you like. If you crave Drama Ripple, then be true to yourself and indulge. If you really are sick of it, then let it be so and move on.

Hi Carolyn: My husband and I have been married six months and are very happy. About a year ago, my now-mother- and father-in-law said they are not ready to be grandparents, and that when they are, they will tell us and we can go ahead with having children! Now they are pestering my much-younger SIL and her fiance to have children. Naturally I take offense to this and also wonder whether our children will be accepted by his parents. What is a girl to do? – Childless for Now, USA

Turn just about any corner, and you’ll find one of two things: an opportunity to take offense, or a weirdo. Best just to keep walking either way. You’re happy now, that’s what counts, and your kids won’t have feelings till you have kids, which is what will count when you’re ready.