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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

‘Simple Life’ antics far from funny

Kevin McDonough United Feature Syndicate

Idle hands may be the workshop of the devil, but sometimes boredom can fuel the imagination. Take reality television.

The genre has gotten so stale, derivative and tedious that I’m now given to concocting new plots just to make things interesting.

When I’m forced to sit through “The Bachelor” or “The Bachelorette,” I don’t worry about the rose ceremonies or contrived dates.

I’ve come to imagine it as a horror movie in a haunted gothic mansion, where unsuspecting suitors are bumped off – eliminated, if you will – one by one.

And take the recent installment of “The Amazing Race.” Everyone playing the game came to fear and loathe the wife-battering Jonathan. Wouldn’t it have been more entertaining if he just disappeared and the “game” became an Agatha Christie mystery? And wouldn’t it have been even more delicious if all of the players were in on his demise, as in “Murder on the Orient Express”?

I’m afraid it will take some doing to contrive a new plot capable of breathing fire into the tiresome shenanigans on “The Simple Life: Interns” (9 p.m., Fox). Now in it’s third incarnation, “Simple Life” showcases the vulgar antics of spoiled rich girls Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie interacting with ordinary folk.

In tonight’s “Interns” they apprentice at a muffler shop, where they botch an oil change, damage two customers’ car, take a police car for a joy ride and purposely insult clients over the phone. At one point, their desperate boss pleads with them to behave, telling them that their hijinks risk alienating future business and put his job and the livelihoods of his employees in danger.

Are we supposed to laugh at the working stiff and identify with Paris and Nicole? I’m frankly stumped.

In the same show, Paris and Nicole live with a family in the blue-collar town of Bayonne, N.J. Apparently moved by the news that the family just lost their pet dog, Paris and Nicole contact a breeder and bring home two huge Great Dane puppies, which cause havoc and destruction. We later learn that our two heroines stiffed the breeder, who in turn demands payment from the host family.

Once again, I’m baffled. Not only do I find this profoundly unamusing, I’m almost terrified to think that there are people out there who do find it funny. Not to give too much away here, but tonight’s episode of “Simple Life” features two gratuitous shots of dog feces. That’s got to be some kind of record for network television.

And it speaks volumes about the quality and content of the show.

And while we’re on the subject of brain-deadening reality television, “Newlyweds” (10 p.m., MTV) enters its third season, and “The Ashlee Simpson Show” (10:30 p.m., MTV) begins its second. With her “SNL” fiasco and the riotous chorus of boos that greeted her performance at the Orange Bowl, Ashlee Simpson has instantly morphed from reality neophyte to a much-loathed metaphor for everything rotten and wrong with the music industry. Her parents must be so proud.

Other highlights

Scheduled on “60 Minutes” (8 p.m., CBS): a serial killer makes the case for his own execution.

Sayid’s discovery may endanger his life on “Lost” (8 p.m., ABC).

Pre-primary jitters on “The West Wing”(9 p.m., NBC).

Suburban intrigue on “Alias” (9 p.m., ABC).

Spunky morning-news personality Katie Couric explains it all on “The 411: Teens & Sex” (10 p.m., NBC).

Bosses from very different corporate cultures change positions on “Wife Swap” (10 p.m., ABC).

Series notes

Barely dressed and hardly interesting on “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search” (8 p.m., NBC) … Auditions continue on “American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox) … Missy Elliott hosts “The Road to Stardom” (8 p.m., UPN)… Alicia insists she’s on the mend on “Smallville” (8 p.m., WB).

Doug acts like a baby on “King of Queens” (9 p.m., CBS) … Kevin fights a custody battle on “Kevin Hill” (9 p.m., UPN) … Jack comes to grips with his injuries on “Jack & Bobby” (9 p.m., WB) … Gruesome Gotham gore on “CSI: NY” (10 p.m., CBS).