These items just scream ‘Spokane’

Much to the shock of Vegas oddsmakers, Spokane’s Monroe Street Bridge – which has been closed for remodeling since Bing Crosby sang in the Gonzaga glee club – will open to motorists and leapers once more.

Before vehicles are allowed to cross, however, engineers have invited the public to dance and jump up and down on the bridge “to see if the dad-gummed thing’ll hold up.”

To make it a valid load-bearing test, the city is offering human-luring incentives atop the bridge.

The mid-September festivities will include live music, a street fair and a nude oil wrestling match between Spokane’s County Commission and City Council.

A bronze “Cost of Progress” plaque will be unveiled to list the North Monroe Street shops driven into receivership when business dried up thanks to the barricaded bridge.

Even more meaningful will be the installation of a bridge time capsule.

The container will be sealed with instructions that it is not to be opened until a manned spacecraft lands on the planet Neptune or until carb lovers quit lining up at the Spaghetti Factory – whichever comes first.

The city has asked yours truly for suggestions as to what items I think it should stick up its bridge box. As always, I am never too busy to help out my city.

No Spokane time capsule would be complete without:

•Never-opened case of “Re-elect Spokane Mayor Jim West” buttons.

•Memorabilia from failed sports franchises such as The Spokane Nightmare, Playfair Race Course and the Seattle Mariners.

•Randy Shaw’s mole.

•Morning Star Boys Ranch oak fanny-hacking “board of compliance” inscribed with the ranch motto: “Thank you, Father Joe – May I have another?”

•Lime green tank top. Pair of pink hot pants. Pair of orange high heels. Crack pipe. (Courtesy of East Sprague Hookers Museum.)

•Waterford bong seized from swank South Hill pot raid.

•Human bones unearthed when a Spokane road-repair crew unwittingly dug into a pioneer grave. (Let Spokanites of the future deal with it.)

•Never-opened prescription bottles of lithium, Prozac and Paxil. (From the Steve Eugster “Raving Loon” collection.)

•Picnic basket filled with popular 2005 Spokane cuisine: Bag of Dick’s french fries. Catfish sandwich from Chicken-N-More. Homeless camp marmot kabobs.

•Don Kardong’s Odor-Eaters.

•Syrup- and gravy-stained Pig Out in the Park T-shirt. (Size XXXL.)

•Pothole containing blown tire and repair bill.

•Unabridged transcripts of Mayor West’s Internet gay chat room sex natterings. (Included to explain item one.)

•Blond wig. Turquoise Daisy Dukes. Pair of red thigh-high boots. Meth, black tar heroin and condom sampler gift pack. (Courtesy of West First Hookers Local 69.)

•Complete set of all 50 Eddie Ray Hall jail booking photographs.

•Souvenir cigarette ashtray from Expo ‘74 – Spokane’s world’s fair tribute to clean air.

•Bloodstained basketball from Hoopfest dispute.

•Receipt from Exxon station to show future Spokanites that gas once sold in the Lilac City for the laughably low price of only $2.54 a gallon.

•Vial of genuine Colombian Marching Powder from Spokane’s biggest cocaine bust – Operation Doughboy.

•Spokane Police Chief Roger Bragdon’s Internet application for a diploma-mill college degree. (Not submitted when City Council decided that having a college degree would make Bragdon even more insufferable.)

•Fancy Italian Fiandre porcelain tiles from the Spokane Transit Authority’s $20 million downtown bus plaza, which was appraised for $4 million after just 10 years of use. (Donated by the STA’s Division of Wretched Excess & Taxpayer Reaming.)

•Chevy van featuring the popular Hillyard Rolling Meth Lab chop-shop conversion package.