March 7, 2005 in Features

Showtime’s ‘Fat Actress’ really awful

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It would be easy to call “Fat Actress” (10 p.m., Showtime) one of the worst new shows of the year. But that would not be fair.

It might just rank among the worst shows of all time.

The loosely scripted documentary-style comedy follows Kirstie Alley’s efforts to lose weight and get a new sitcom and possibly a new man. Fans of Alley’s characters on “Cheers,” “Veronica’s Closet” and her three “Look Who’s Talking” films will find her self-portrayal grim, vulgar and desperate.

The first episode also trades in shallow racial stereotyping. And while this bit of politically incorrect humor is supposed to make the show edgy, the comic payoff is jaw-dropping in its crudeness. And it gets worse.

In episode two, Alley consumes vast quantities of laxatives as a dietary aid and spends a considerable amount of screen time on the toilet.

Alley is not without collaborators in this small-screen atrocity. Many well-known Hollywood types show up to play themselves.

John Travolta arrives early and often to offer a cringe-inducing impersonation of John Travolta. “Fat” might eclipse “Battlefield Earth” as his most embarrassing performance.

When Alley goes to NBC with her agent to pitch an idea for a sitcom, she meets with network chief Jeff Zucker, also playing himself. Not only does Zucker embarrass himself with expletive-laced dialogue, he made me wonder just who was minding the store while he was indulging in this vanity project.

The scene also reminded me of the old “Seinfeld” episode where Jerry and George went to NBC to pitch their show about nothing. Real actors played those network executives.

Maybe that’s why “Seinfeld” was funny and “Fat” is not, and why NBC used to be the No. 1 network but how, under Zucker, its fortunes have fallen.

Pardon me for generalizing, but there are two types of people who watch television: men and women.

Most women I know find boxing repulsive. And most men who like sports would rather watch sports than reality television. So who, exactly, is left to watch “The Contender” (9:30 p.m., NBC), a boxing reality show produced and hosted by “Rocky” star Sylvester Stallone and world champion boxer Sugar Ray Leonard?

The first three-quarters of “The Contender” is pure reality show. The 16 palookas are introduced in soft focus; they offer platitudes about home and family.

Piano keys are heard softly plinking. Yet none of this alters the fact that two of the pugilists will spend the last 15 minutes of the show beating each other to a bloody pulp.

Other highlights

Eight sing to survive on “American Idol” (8 p.m., Fox).

Big changes in Birmingham on “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition: How’d They Do That?” (8 p.m., ABC).

Viewers chose tonight’s episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” (9 p.m., CBS).

Erin is replaced on “24” (9 p.m., Fox).

A clash of management styles on the premiere of “Boss Swap” (9 p.m., ABC).

Joely Richardson stars in the 2005 drama “Lies My Mother Told Me” (9 p.m., Life).

Cult choice

Nero (Charles Laughton) throws Christians to the lions in director Cecil B. DeMille’s 1932 epic “The Sign of the Cross” (5 p.m., TCM).

Series notes

The highest bidders on “Still Standing” (8 p.m., CBS) … Joe Rogan hosts “Fear Factor” (8 p.m., NBC) … Jealousy on “One on One” (8 p.m., UPN) … Lucy’s blessed event on “7th Heaven” (8 p.m., WB).

A soccer clash on “Listen Up” (8:30 p.m., CBS) … Spats and spas on “Cuts” (8:30 p.m., UPN).

Hospitals make the heart grow fonder on “Girlfriends” (9 p.m., UPN) … Carmen Electra guest-stars on “Summerland” (9 p.m., WB) … A faux pose at a fab bash on “Two and a Half Men” (9:30 p.m., CBS) … Dee Dee’s beau on “Half & Half” (9:30 p.m., UPN) … A plane crashes into a suburban neighborhood on “CSI: Miami” (10 p.m., CBS) … Brits vs. brats on “Supernanny” (10 p.m., ABC).

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