Throw the cookbook at Brownie Boy

I never thought I’d live to see the phrase “semen-frosted brownies” in a family newspaper. Then again, last week’s diabolical tale from the Dark Side of Baking was one for the ages.

To recap: A Coeur d’Alene High School student topped three home-baked brownies with his “man essence.” Allegedly. He then anonymously sent said brownies to a male classmate for Valentine’s Day as a vengeful prank.

There goes the high school bake sale.

It gets worse. The tainted brownies were consumed by not only the target, but by two of the target’s buddies.

Make that, extremely luckless buddies.

Ah, remember those kinder, gentler days? You know, back when people augmented brownies with dope – not DNA?

The story has now taken on a life of its own. It made newspapers and Web sites across the globe. It’s been a launchpad for snickering commentary on national radio shows. A co-worker tells me that for a time it was the No. 3 e-mailed story on Yahoo.

Hasn’t North Idaho suffered enough?

This leakage is even more disturbing than that oozing railroad refueling depot in Hauser.

The Spillsbury Doughboy might’ve gotten away clean had he not sown the seeds of his own demise by boasting.

I must be so out of touch. I’ve always assumed that deep within each and every man dwells a still, small voice of reason that says: “Don’t pleasure yourself on pastry.”

According to our story, the 17-year-old’s motivation was revenge because the recipient put peanut butter in his grilled cheese sandwich.

Wasn’t there an old TV commercial about this?

Actor One: “You got peanut butter on my sandwich.”

Actor Two: “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m putting … on your brownie.”

The culprit apparently told a school resource officer that the idea for his seminal moment was spawned by one of those lewd, crude teen movies.

That’s such a copycat copout. Hey, I loved “Old School,” but you don’t see me running naked through the middle of town.

Does this idiot have any idea what he’s done? Allegedly.

He’ll never be able to attend a high school reunion without half the class yelling: “Oh, no! Brownie Boy’s here! Cover the buffet.”

I love a good practical joke more than anyone. But maybe it’s time for review. Maybe it’s time we all took a long, hard look at the difference between a funny prank and an unfunny prank.

Funny prank: Itching powder.

Unfunny prank: Gunpowder.

Funny prank: Rubber cheese slice in sandwich.

Unfunny prank: Mad cow burger.

Funny prank: Do you have Prince Albert in a can?

Unfunny prank: Prince Albert on the can.

Funny prank: Ring and run.

Unfunny prank: Ring, run and rifle a brick through the window.

Funny prank: Joy buzzer.

Unfunny prank: Radio in the bathtub.

Funny prank: Dribble glass.

Unfunny prank: Jonestown Kool-Aid.

Funny prank: Fake snake in the nut can.

Unfunny prank: Rattlesnake in the sock drawer.

Funny prank: Fly in the plastic ice cube.

Unfunny prank: Bloody horse head in the bedsheets.

Funny prank: Whoopy cushion.

Unfunny prank: The Unabomber.

Funny prank: Disappearing ink.

Unfunny prank: Jimmy Hoffa.

See? Being funny isn’t so difficult to figure out. You just have to use your head.

If convicted, as our story indicated, the student could face up to 90 days in juvenile detention for each of three counts of disturbing the peace.

I disagree. We need to set an example here. Anyone who dares stain the image of one of America’s most savory desserts should be sent far, far away.

To Devil’s Food Island.