Long-distance marriage can work with trust

Dear Annie: I am in my 50s. I was alone for many years when I met “Theo,” who had lost his wife to cancer. Even though we lived quite a distance apart, we dated for a year and then married.

I told Theo I could not move away from my town, because I took care of my aging parents, and he did not have a problem with that. However, after we married, he learned that if he stayed with his company for one more year, he would get a much larger pension, so we decided it would be foolish for him to leave. Our long-distance relationship became a long-distance marriage.

That was two years ago. Since I live in one of the northern states, when winter comes, Theo returns to his place in Atlanta. If I can join him, fine, otherwise we spend the holidays apart. When we married, I thought he would sell his house and we would live together here, because I am still working and providing the health insurance. Now I find he has picked up a part-time job in Georgia.

I don’t think this marriage is working for us. It sure isn’t working for me. Theo says his grown children need him close by, but so do I. We talk many times a day on the phone, and that is supposed to keep my cup full, but I am running on empty. – Unhappy Up North

Dear North: You must be realistic. Theo does not want to live in your city because it’s too cold for him during the winter. He won’t sell his house because he’s hoping that someday, you will move to Atlanta and live in it.

Plenty of couples can manage a long-distance marriage if they trust one another, and if they can spend a minimal amount of time together. Since this isn’t what you had in mind, we recommend counseling, preferably with Theo, so you can each understand the other’s needs and decide if the marriage is worth keeping.

Dear Annie: I am writing in response to “Fed Up with Thoughtless People in Florida,” who doesn’t like able-bodied people using the handicapped toilets.

I am 40 years old and suffer from a degenerative condition in my back. Although I appear healthy, I have a great deal of pain and stiffness. The higher toilets and the grab bars make using a public restroom easier for me.

I am not unsympathetic to her need to have those stalls available. I care for my disabled sister, and she, too, has urgency issues. “Florida” should consider using a urinary incontinence product while out in public. It is a lot easier to carry than a dry set of clothes. – New Castle, Pa.

Dear New Castle: You weren’t the only reader who wanted to explain why one might use a handicapped stall. Read on:

From Kansas: I, too, use the handicapped stall, although I am not wheelchair-bound. Here’s why. I am a full-sized woman, and the other stalls are so small that it feels as if I am going to sit on the floor. I can’t turn around to flush without being goosed by the toilet paper holder. I fear that someday I will get stuck between the door and the toilet and will need the fire department to get me out.

Evans, Ga.: I have a toddler and an infant in a stroller. I cannot fit a stroller in a regular stall, nor am I willing to leave my baby out of my view when I take my toddler to the bathroom. The handicapped stall is a safe haven for me and my family.

Also, many stores and restaurants put a changing table in the handicapped stall. This is obviously a space-saving method, and it means mothers are expected to use those stalls. If handicapped people are upset with me, I understand, but until restaurants, stores and theatres provide a family stall, I will make do with what is available.