Tell your honey you’re worthy of his full trust
Hi Carolyn: I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months, and it’s been fantastic. Around the same time – pure coincidence – I started talking to an ex whom I hadn’t spoken to in years (it ended badly). I have no desire to be part of his life again, but I like the idea of being on peaceful terms with somebody. My boyfriend is not pleased with this and has all but flat-out asked me to stop talking to him. Is it worth my trying to make peace with my past when it is making him so upset? Or if I let him make this call for me, will it continue to escalate from there? – Detroit
(B.) Escalate from there – though I envision more of a downward spiral.
You have an admirable, credible motive for keeping in touch. If he doesn’t believe it’s admirable, then his values don’t line up with yours. If he doesn’t believe you, then why is he even with you?
The only response from him that passes the fantastic-relationship test is to trust you. Ask for it. Tell him it’s nonnegotiable – and that equally so is your being worthy of it in return.
Dear Carolyn: An acquaintance of mine and I met up in a coffee shop last week and discovered we clicked. However, she was only open to finding a connection because she’s having trouble with her boyfriend. I’m actually writing on her behalf because I don’t know how to advise her. He’s older than she is; we’re both undergraduates. Their families support their relationship, and they’re already flossing and weatherproofing together well. The relationship functions, so her sudden attraction to me shocked her – though she admitted she has become frustrated physically with him and has begun to wonder if she’s too young (20) for this sort of commitment, especially since she’s studying abroad next semester and admits she might like to kiss the boys there.
What should she do now? As for me, I have removed myself from the situation after an irresistible hug or two. But, hypothetically, under what circumstances is it OK to, well, try to steal someone? – South Carolina
What she should do is: whatever she wants, as long as she’s considerate about it. And as long as it isn’t to persuade herself that physical problems don’t count. Nor to swap one playhouse-spouse for another.
What you should do is: Stop, well, hiding your questions behind nonhypothetical hypotheticals and questions on “her” behalf.
You want this girl. That’s ohhh kay. You want her to know you want her. That’s OK, too, though if she doesn’t already know, then we all need to be careful, because night may no longer follow day and gravity could be reversed.
What isn’t OK is pretending to advise her objectively when the interests you tout are your own, or throwing yourself at her, or getting involved with her before her current finds out he’s an ex.
OK or not, there’s no point in trying to steal her, because you can no more steal people than you can own them.
However, since she gets to choose for herself, she has a right to know what her choices are. If you haven’t spelled out your feelings for her, go for it. Then leave her alone to decide.