Takes guts to say ‘I’m not ready’

If you were planning on getting married this summer and started having doubts, would you have the guts to call it off? I have a good friend who did just that recently, and I couldn’t be more proud of her. Not because she chose not to get married, but because she listened to her heart. Many of us, even happily married, got cold feet as the date approached, but dismissed them because we were caught up in the event rather than the life ahead.

My friend, although very mature, is only 22 years old. That’s awfully young to make a lifetime commitment. This is not to say marriages don’t last when people get married young, but the odds are against it. It takes a very special and mature relationship to evolve and prosper through the big changes that occur in our 20s.

I didn’t tell any of this to my good friend, though. The last thing you want or need is someone older telling you what to do. And besides, who knew if she and her boyfriend had what it took to overcome those changes and grow? Nevertheless, the journey was hers to take and understand when she got there. Something happened that made her think twice about their plans, or maybe not. I don’t know what happened because I haven’t asked, nor will I. Just as I don’t like people asking me what happened, I won’t be asking her.

I was engaged soon after the summer when two of my sisters got married. I was caught up in the wedding process, from receiving the ring to seeing the UPS truck delivering gifts everyday. I couldn’t wait for my turn to pick a dress and the colors and flowers for the big day. Not for a second did I think about living and growing up on my own. But I knew getting married sounded fun and exciting.

Almost 14 years later, I’d think a lot more about the life I was committing to share with someone and care less about the wedding. I believe in marriage and the commitment more than ever, as long as both people go into it knowing what it takes to make it work. For me, that came with age and experience.

Like my friend, I had doubts before I took the plunge, but I lacked the maturity and realization that it was OK to change my mind. I was in too big of a hurry to get to the next phase and figured whatever was missing would come in time. We didn’t know any better at 24 years old. Or did we and were too afraid not to go through with it?

I don’t regret getting married young, but I wish I had the strength and presence of mind to listen to my gut more, like my friend so admirably did. It’s not about whether you love someone when you decide to get married or divorced – it’s never that easy or simple, which is why the latter decision was so hard for me. It’s about whether you have first taken the journey to define yourself on your own, so you’re not looking for someone to define or complete you.

Sometimes after committing to another we have to make the painful decision to take that path alone, so we can come back healthier and find love again.