Phosphate-free products need an image boost

Memo to Todd Mielke, Spokane County commissioner.

Re: The proposed ban on dishwasher detergent containing phosphates.

Todd, just heard a fancy-shmancy public relations firm will try to convince people that the ban would be detrimental to pocketbooks and to shiny dishes. So we need to come up with a counter-campaign to convince the public that the proposed ban is cool. Good for their dishes. Good for the Spokane River.

Algae blooms that grow in the river gobble up phosphorus. They grow fat and greedy, stealing needed oxygen from the more-deserving aquatic life. Not cool.

So here’s my plan, Todd.

We’ll start with an image makeover for existing phosphate-free detergents. Wednesday, I bought three brands at Huckleberry’s Natural Market in Spokane. The detergents cost about $5 per box. (You can find them at lower prices in some area grocery stores and on the Internet.)

The names of the detergents: Ecover, Wave and Seventh Generation.

You look at those names and you look at the green leaves and lavender flowers on those boxes, and you think of women proud of their armpit hair, and men who brag that they didn’t wear ties even to their weddings.

Nothing wrong with those folks, Todd, but remember the Spokane and North Idaho audience we’re trying to convince to buy these ecologically better products. ‘Nuff said.

OK, next we’ll focus our energy on those 5:30 p.m. public meetings about the proposed ban — Nov. 29 in Spokane City Council Chambers and Nov. 30 at CenterPlace at Mirabeau Point in the Spokane Valley. Let’s rent ultra-quiet dishwashers. We’ll serve hors d’oeuvres. Then, we’ll stack the dirtied plates into the dishwashers and wash the dishes with phosphate-free detergents.

I have greeting cards, taken from 1950s ad campaigns, which depict housewives posing with their appliances. One woman, in a red gingham dress with a yellow apron tied around her waist, stands in front of her dishwasher and holds in the air a frying pan. Rapture fills her face as she gazes at the sparkling clean pan.

So we’ll borrow that idea. We’ll both don aprons, stand in front of those dishwashers and give our testimonials. You can tell people how, as a single dad, you’ve done the family dishes for years. And how you’ve tested Diamond Brite — another phosphate-free brand — and feel contented with the job it does.

Explain that you never thought you’d feel passionate about dishwashing detergent, but now you do.

I will tell them how I’m so picky about dishwashing detergent that I switched from Cascade to Electrasol because I liked the slightly better sheen Electrasol left on my wine glasses. I will tell them how I did three sets of dishes Thursday morning, testing Ecover, Wind and Seventh Generation.

The testing brought to mind the South Beach diet. Potatoes are a no-no on the low-carb diet, but there is a recipe for “Surprise South Beach Mashed Potatoes.” You puree cauliflower, fat free half ‘n’ half and butter substitute. The dish has an OK texture, but you bite into it, taste cauliflower and weep for the mashed potatoes of your youth.

The phosphate-free detergents look and smell like detergents with phosphate, but I expected a cauliflower-style disappointment. To my surprise, two of the three detergents cleaned as well as my beloved Electrasol.

As the plates churn through the dishwashing cycle, we’ll remind folks that laundry detergent with phosphate was banned more than a decade ago, due to river quality concerns. How many people notice any difference in their clothes?

Todd, we need to convince people that each time they gaze at their sparkling dishes, cleaned with phosphate-free dishwashing detergent, they will feel proud. They will be doing one small thing to save the Spokane River for the next seven generations — and beyond.

Now that really is cool.