Festive funk

Tis almost the season for unreasonable expectations.

Soon there will be no escaping the wall-to-wall signals suggesting exactly how you are supposed to feel.

It’s the holidays. Be of good cheer … or else.

OK, the Thanksgiving-to-New Year’s calendar stretch is a special time of year. No one denies that.

But there’s a little secret drowned out by the drumbeat of marketing’s version of the holidays.

It’s this: Not everyone gets into a festive mood. Sometimes our emotions don’t follow the seasonal script.

Of course, admitting that fact often invites such unbecoming labels as “Scrooge” or “Grinch.” But in many cases, that’s simply not fair.

Failure to feel your spirits lifted by the holidays isn’t the same as resenting or rejecting the season.

Still, every time a bell rings someone thinks “Yeah, whatever.”

We’re not talking about depression here. And a little late-year ennui isn’t the same thing as full-blown Christmas blues.

It’s more like mild numbness. And it is something else, too.

“It’s fairly normal,” said Laura Asbell, a Spokane psychologist.

She said the reasons an individual might be essentially unmoved by the holidays range from loneliness and not connecting with family stuff to feeling worn down by relentless crassness and hype.

Whatever the cause, this outlook can brand a person an outsider.

Even those with cultural or religious perspectives that might explain being blasé can’t always count on friends and co-workers being understanding, though.

“There is quite a bit of pressure for people to be the way we think they should be,” said Asbell. “And for some, the idea of not getting excited about Christmas is something that has never crossed their minds.”

In a tradition-loving area such as ours, someone who is out about not being into the holidays can practically be viewed as a threat to the social order.

Some people don’t get all holly jolly in part because their childhood memories are not warm and fuzzy. Others sleepwalk through the season, thanks in large measure to previous holidays decidedly lacking in magical warmth.

Lots of us set ourselves up for disappointment, said Joanne Austin, a family issues specialist for the Washington State University extension program. Unrealistic expectations will do it every time.

“Generally our experiences do not live up to the ideal,” she said.

One reason for that is the fact that our images of perfect celebrations aren’t always based on reality.

“Most people’s expectations of Christmas truly have been shaped by movies and commercials,” said Martha Kitzrow, a psychologist at the University of Idaho.

It can be tough for real life to compete.

For Charlie Brown, a New Testament reminder about the Christian underpinnings of Christmas was the cure for perhaps America’s most beloved case of the holiday blahs.

That can work for others, too, said the Rev. Brian Prior, an Episcopal pastor in Spokane Valley. He recommends paying attention to the Advent calendar, a season of quiet preparation and waiting that is in stark contrast to the commercial clamoring associated with late November and December.

But Prior is not without sympathy for those feeling pummeled or put off by the season. He remembers working in retail years ago. He sold men’s clothing.

He recalls the pressure to ring up sales, and a particularly peppy version of “Sleigh Ride” still inhabits a dark crevice in his mind. “Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dunna -dun…”

God help him.

“I just remember wanting it so desperately to be over,” he said.

Spirituality might not be the answer for everyone, though. Moreover, it’s worth noting that not all of us yearn to be ablaze with holiday spirit. After all, one man’s doldrums is another man’s sanity.

Coping strategies vary.

Dietitian Elin Zander isn’t wild about Thanksgiving. In fact, it’s probably her least favorite holiday.

“Instead of thankfulness, I see football overload and gluttony as the major goals of the day,” she said.

So she schedules herself to work with sick people on that Thursday. It helps.

For Carmen Lugo-Lugo, who grew up in Puerto Rico and now teaches at Washington State University, simply hearing someone refer to eggnog jump-starts her yule spirit. It reminds her of a special holiday 11 years ago in Missoula— and of her first, delightfully baffled encounter with ‘nog.

For others, hearing a certain piece of music or observing an act of kindness can trigger a festive mood.

A child’s voice, a whiff of wood smoke or snowflakes floating beneath a street-light can make it kick in.

Something as glorious as “The Holly and The Ivy” can do it. Something as ridiculous as “A Very Brady Christmas” can, too.

But what if the coming weeks start to click by and you sense that your holiday spirit has no pulse?

Hospital chaplain Julianne Dickelman has a recommendation.

“Consider four things: What gives you meaning? Who or what is your best source of support? Where do you find hope? What is holy (of ultimate importance) for you?

“Answer those questions — simply, not with complicated psychobabble or theology — and you have a plan of care (oil for your lamp) that you can choose to implement.”

Of course, the circumstances of our lives can change. And those shifts and variables often shape our attitude about this time of year.

Brenda Green is a 31-year-old accountant in Coeur d’Alene. Most years, it takes her a while to feel a satisfying holiday vibe. Usually her husband is way out in front on the sprint to good cheer.

“He wants the Christmas tree up after Thanksgiving and I just don’t want to bother,” she said.

That was before.

“This year I want it up around the first of December so that we can take pictures of our 6-month-old son in a Santa hat for our Christmas cards.”

Having a baby might be the mother of all mood changers. That’s not a ready option for everyone, however.

For their part, the movies have set the bar pretty high. In “It’s a Wonderful Life,” George Bailey is considering taking his own life when his guardian angel intervenes. That’s a pretty dramatic way to manufacture some merriment.

But perhaps guardian angels come in various forms. And it could be that one of them is on a collision course with you.

If not, maybe Brenda Green could send you one of her Christmas cards.

Happy holidays.