He loves you so stop worrying

Dear Annie: My husband, “Bernie,” and I have been married for 17 years. We have a good life.

For years, I have asked Bernie to tell me why he loves me. He only says, “Because I do.” I’ve told him what made me fall in love with him, but he won’t do the same for me. I’m beginning to think Bernie doesn’t really love me, although he says he does. Am I making too much of this, or should I be asking more questions? – Kansas

Dear Kansas: Are you looking for trouble? Leave Bernie alone. He loves you. Stop analyzing it to death and enjoy what you have.

Dear Annie: Years ago, I cut out a hilarious piece, “How to Give a Cat a Pill.” Can you please reprint it? – L.P.

Dear L.P.: With pleasure. Please note this is a satire and not meant to be taken literally. It originally came from the Laguna Beach, Calif., Coastline News.

Giving Your Cat a Pill by Bob Story

– Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.

– Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.

– Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

– Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat’s mouth closed as well.

– Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.

– Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat’s throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

– Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.

– Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.

– Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat’s head visible under assistant’s armpit. Put pill in paper tube you’ve made for this purpose. Then, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow.

– Apply bandage to assistant’s forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

– Retrieve cat from neighbor’s roof.

– Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.