Meaningful praise makes difference

What do you say when your kindergartner ties his shoe all by himself? Or your toddler makes it to the potty on time? Or even when your baby takes her first steps?

“Good job!”

It’s become the catch-all compliment for today’s generation of kids, and praise certainly is important in building children’s self-esteem and confidence. But Elizabeth Hartley-Brewer, a British parenting counselor and consultant, says that more specific praise – and, especially, gender-specific praise, – would be even more valuable. Boys don’t react as well to gushing praise because they’re uncomfortable with anything that’s too emotional, so they might tune out words of support, Hartley-Brewer says, whereas girls just soak up glowing superlatives.

Still, don’t lay it on too thick, Hartley-Brewer advises: “Girls like to please. The danger for them is they take everything personally. If parents look at their homework over their shoulder and say, ‘Good job, that’s great,’ the girls hear, ‘Mom thinks I’m great.’ It’s a temporary fix of pleasure but could undermine self-esteem because they’re relying too much on others.”

Since boys are more sensitive to the power struggle between parents and children and they might view praise as a parents’ tool of manipulation, compliments should be very matter-of-fact so boys can make the link between their own action and their parents’ reaction, she adds.

Hartley-Brewer, a social and education policy adviser to the British prime minister in the 1970s and ‘80s, wrote a pair of new books, “Praising Girls Well: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers” and “Praising Boys Well: 100 Tips for Parents and Teachers,” both published by DeCapo/Lifelong. She also co-founded, wrote and developed “The Effective Parenting Program,” the first U.K. school-based program.

“The word I really love is ‘impress’ or ‘impressive,’ ” says Hartley-Brewer in a telephone interview from her home in England. “It focuses on what they’ve done. You’re not judging the child, you’re judging their work. Always keep it simple.” She suggests replacing “good” with “clever,” “thoughtful,” “helpful” or “creative.”

Don’t be too wordy, though.

The more words you use, the more chance you leave for misinterpretation, Hartley-Brewer says. Very rarely is a simple smile or hug misinterpreted. “Then the children take what they need from you. It’s not you deciding what to give, it’s what they decide to take away from it.”