Doug Clark: Protesting Cheney just pushes us closer to Iran invasion

Here I am, back from vacation feeling refreshed and marveling over all the swell stories that occurred during my absence.

Lately the newspaper has been electric with shocking news – especially when it comes to runaway cows in the Valley.

Vice President Dick Cheney even came to Spokane, although I’m not counting that as having any actual journalistic value for a couple of reasons:

A. The vice president only dropped by for a political grip-and-grin with a few Republicans still brave enough to be seen with him and …

B. Cheney, alas, didn’t shoot any of them.

Shame on all the jeering protesters who tried to make the vice president feel less than welcome.

Had they cut Cheney some slack he just might have lengthened his stay. And that would be good for the country. As long as the vice president’s fiddling around Spokane, it’s a pretty safe bet we won’t be invading Iran.

But I won’t ruin your day discussing Dick. I’d rather address real news, such as:

“The sheriff’s deputies who killed a stray cow – with a Taser.

Bossie apparently made the mistake of wandering into traffic not far from Spokane Valley Mall.

According to a story, “deputies zapped the cow ‘again and again’ and the animal died.”

This proves that old saying about cops. No matter how awful a situation gets, a gang of them can always make things worse.

I like steak as much as any carnivore. I just prefer my meat deceased BEFORE the grilling begins.

Show a little class, officers. Just because you’re in Spokane Valley doesn’t give you license to treat innocent livestock like the meth dealers.

Whether the cops planted a gun on the carcass and cited it for armed vagrancy is unknown.

“It’s not often beer thievery qualifies as big news. But a recent Otis Orchards suds heist was a brain-boggler.

The owner, our story reported, “arrived to find the windows of the store’s garage and interior doors broken and about a dozen cases of Budweiser, Miller Lite and Coors Light missing from the cooler.”

I love America. But our light beer is like Evian, only with thicker bottles.

If I’m going to risk felony arrest for pilsner pilfering, I’m making off with Heineken.

I’d hate to think this was the work of some underage twerp who didn’t have the decency to get his beer the old-fashioned way – with a fake ID.

But based on the dim bulb variety of criminal we tend to grow around here, the crook probably thought light beer would be easier to carry.

“Spokane County has a new sheriff. His name is Ozzie Knezovich.

I have nothing against the fellow. For all I know he’s a fine lawman who is thoroughly trained in the latest law enforcement techniques of bovine electrocution.

There is a larger issue here. And that is that, well, we’re going through a bad run with accuracy here at The Spokesman-Review.

One day during my vacation, in fact, the Inaccuracy Watch column ran longer than “The Da Vinci Code.”

There’s really no mystery about newspaper mistakes. They always come about through a combination of three unavoidable things: time, pressure and magic mushrooms.

But the last thing our newsroom needs during these dark and gaffe-prone days is a sheriff with such a jawbreaker of a name. I don’t want to come off as pessimistic.

But Sheriff Khrushchev is never going to pick up the newspaper and see his name spelled correctly.

Mark Sterk was the last sheriff. We only got his name right maybe three out of four times.

We could start calling the new guy Sheriff Ozzie, which is a lot easier but makes him sound like a Muppet.

“QUESTION: Why did the stray cow cross Sprague?

ANSWER: It was looking for a Dairy Queen.

Ah, it’s great to be back.