Defending you not part of plan

Hi, Carolyn: I just finished my freshman year of college, and I’m dating my high-school sweetheart, who also attends my university. His mother was friendly to me when we were just friends, but ever since she discovered that we were dating, she’s been very cold to me, makes constant snarky comments about me to my boyfriend, and has even tried to buy him a ticket on a singles cruise and offered (completely seriously) to buy him a Porsche if he “upgrades” to a Jewish girl. My boyfriend thinks this is ridiculous, but also says he doesn’t want to aggravate his mom and that he’s showing enough support for me by just continuing to be with me. I understand he can’t afford to seriously alienate his mom while she’s paying for his schooling, but I sometimes just want to know that my boyfriend is willing to defend me no matter what the cost. It makes me sad and scared that he won’t stand up to his mom. Is there any way to feel better about this? – K.

If you just want to know that your boyfriend is willing to defend you no matter what the cost, then you’re the one who needs to upgrade.

This boyfriend is keenly aware of cost. To him. In the current moral battle, however you define it – his mom vs. you, his mom vs. his autonomy, his mom vs. decency, his culture vs. his heart – he has chosen to go the movies and hope none of his troops gets hurt.

Think about it. He’s giving you and his mom just enough to keep you both around, without giving up one darn thing that he wants. If nothing else, you have to admire it as a work of self-interested art.

The only way you’ll ever feel better about his not defending you is if you can find some way to respect his position – say, you have an unfortunate ice-cream scooping incident and punch yourself in the head. Might be easier just to show more respect for yourself.

Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been dating this amazing guy for two months, and I can tell he’s crazy for me, too. Things were wonderful until one night after drinking too much I made some comments about his appearance that hurt his feelings. Last night we made up and, after much groveling on my part, he is still seeing me. He says he can’t easily forget my comments and that I broke his heart. He doesn’t believe me when I say I’m head over heels for him. Carolyn, how can I ever make it up to him? – J.R.

You can’t. At a certain point, words stop having value, and in fact too many of them can discredit your message completely.

Groveling, meanwhile, only serves to deflate you while inflating the foot in your mouth. “Wow, that was an awful thing to say, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” Done. He’ll either get past your remarks or he won’t. Drop it and let it play out.