Annie’s Mailbox : Don’t give up on granddaughter

Dear Annie: My granddaughter, “Ingrid,” is 21 and has been living in and out of her home since she was 17. Ingrid sometimes stays with us until she can work herself back into her parents’ good graces. The last time was for six weeks. While in our home, Ingrid seldom talks, comes and goes as she pleases, and if we say anything about her behavior, she argues until we get sick of it.

There are no drugs or alcohol involved. Ingrid just wants to do things her way with no concern for others. She certainly does not know how to communicate with her parents. I know Ingrid will be coming back here soon. Our home is her last resort. Do I tell her how little she has been a part of the family, how many mistakes she has made and that her behavior is not acceptable? Should I say she is no longer welcome here? She doesn’t have enough money to live on her own, and I’m afraid if we force her to fend for herself, she’ll live in her car.

Her parents’ marriage was not good when Ingrid was growing up, and I’ve always had compassion for this girl. I want the family to work on this together, but her parents don’t feel the problem is their fault. I worry that Ingrid will just sink lower and lower. Can you help? – Grandma Rose

Dear Grandma: Counseling doesn’t mean someone is at fault. It’s a way to work on problems. Don’t lecture Ingrid about past mistakes. Instead, tell her you know she has the potential to be independent, self-reliant and successful. Offer to help her find a job and an apartment. (If she already has a job, she should be paying you rent.) Encourage her to take classes at a community college. We think Ingrid will come around. Don’t give up on her.

Dear Annie: I can sympathize with “Losing it in North Carolina,” who found out about his wife’s sexual past. Like him, my wife swore there was only one guy before me (that was 25 years of marriage ago). Last year, I found out there were at least five others. I felt duped into marriage, but I have grown to accept that these things happened before we met. We’ve talked a lot in the past year, and I think our relationship is better now.

The problem is, I can’t stop asking my wife about the details. Is this OK, or should I try to find some way to erase my memory? – Lost in Virginia

Dear Lost: Let’s get one thing straight. You were not “duped” into marriage. Your wife’s previous sexual life does not change the person you fell in love with. Second, stop asking for details. It’s masochistic. We understand this is hard for you, and we commend you for trying to put the past behind you, but you need to talk to a professional so you can sort through your feelings and truly forgive.