Arrow-right Camera
The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Carolyn Hax: College not for finding spouse

Carolyn Hax Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: I am reaching the middle of my college career, and all of my good friends from home find it shocking that I haven’t tried to change my status of never having a boyfriend before. It’s presumed that college is for finding that one true love you’re going to be with for the rest of your life, but I have yet to find that special someone. I am puzzled by my inability to follow “the norm.” I feel like a freak for not having a boyfriend, and I feel inadequate when my friends discuss their sex lives and I have nothing to add. I try to see the good in my life but am bewildered and discouraged by my being single. Honestly, Carolyn, I’m scared to meet guys, and I feel like no one would have interest in me. Thus I can’t bring myself to try to meet someone. I want to be happy with myself, whether I’m seeing a man or not. – What’s a Girl to Do?

Where’s your hometown, 1955?

I am shocked that your friends are shocked. That tells me either they have shocking expectations, or you do, which you’re projecting on them.

Finding a mate for life in college is like buying a wardrobe during a growth spurt. It might still fit, but don’t count on it.

Even better: If you’re like most college students, it’s like choosing a life companion before you’ve ever had to feed, clothe, shelter, heat, cool, transport, amuse, insure, guide, heal and maintain yourself on your own. Just a for-instance.

So your girls have boyfriends. Good for them.

Call them normal, as opposed to abnormal, sure. Or try common, versus uncommon. You’ve got independence to establish, social fears to conquer, fugitive self-esteem to track down. Oh, and the whole studying thing. You have far better things to do than compare-flog-compare-flog yourself.

Better friends would support you in this.

Toward all these ends, please see college as a resource for everything but spouses, at least for now. Delve into your interests; generate new ones; get to know classmates – male and female – for no reason but to know them; consume culture like it’s a bag of Fritos. Avail yourself of counseling services, too, if the self-doubt persists.

In other words, have your growth spurt. Get out of college whatever good things college has to offer you. Do it without shame or apology.

And if you can’t find the confidence to do that, add another argument against caving to pressure to date. Find your niche and look for confidence there.