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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Hey, it’s not that easy being an Avista executive

Doug Clark The Spokesman-Review

May I offer a few words in defense of Gary Ely?

I know many of you out there are revolted by the news that the chairman, president and CEO of the Avista Corp hauled in $2.57 million in salary, bonuses and stock grants last year.

His crew of upper-management power pirates didn’t fare so poorly, either. They were compensated in the mid-to-high six-figure swag range.

It’s a colder and crueler world for peons living in the real world.

Our Avista utility bills are climbing like King Kong on the Empire State Building.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. We’ve been compensated, too.

These current days of arctic winds have turned our heaters into amusing mini cash registers.

Every few minutes my furnace switches on, I hear this cheery musical “cha-ching!” sound.

And the humble ratepayer has stock options:

Pay up or shiver in the dark.

Despite our difficulties, I just can’t find it in my heart to take it out on Ely and his pickpockets.

They deserve understanding – not jealousy and contempt.

It only seems like they have a sweet cream deal.

Truth is, they aren’t like us. Very few individuals have the reptilian skills required to be a power company exec.

Normal human beings are too guilt-ridden, too emotionally fragile.

We couldn’t cope with screwing our neighbors on such a massive scale.

It takes a cast-iron hide to make it in the energy biz.

Why, even backers of the state’s new anti-bestiality law have started referring to “that Enumclaw guy who expired after being Avista-ed by a horse.”

So I say ease off. Show some compassion.

Don’t cast judgment until you’ve tried to walk a mile with $2.57 million in salary, bonuses and stock grants.

I tried to imagine what a heavy burden this would be. Here’s what I came up with:

A Day in the Life of an Avista Czar

7 a.m. – Wake up. Wriggle your toes and stretch. Get cracking, lad. You’ve got a company to run and consumers to gouge.

7:15 a.m. – Turn on every light and appliance in the house.

7:30 a.m. – Take a hot, long shower.

7:55 a.m. – Leave the water running.

8 a.m. – Will it be Armani today? Or Versace?

8:10 a.m. – Go with the yellow cashmere sweater, apricot ascot and calfskin moccasins. It makes you seem almost benign.

8:30 a.m. – Open newspaper to the horoscope column. It’s another 5-star day! “The world is your anthill,” states the horoscope. “Put on some boots and start stomping.”

8:35 a.m. – More good news. “Bitter cold on its way,” reads the Northwest page headline.

8:45 a.m. – A song comes to mind. “Oh, the weather outside is frightful. And your cash flow’s so delightful.”

9 a.m. – Skip around the house. Turn the thermostats to 90.

9:10 a.m. – Open the doors and windows.

9:38 a.m. – Call the Mercedes-Benz dealership. “I’ve come to a major decision,” you tell the sales rep. “Go ahead. Add the ventilated nappa leather seats on my new S600 model.”

10 a.m. – Dial the bank to check your account. Erupt into a fit of maniacal laughter when you hear the balance.

10:45 a.m. – Note to self: Renew subscription to the Rolex of the Month Club.

11:30 a.m. – Send e-mail to the office with your slogan for the new Avista ad campaign: “Don’t like our power rates? Go burn a candle.”

Noon – Whew, where did the morning go? Better take a nap before heading into the ol’ salt mines for the weekly price-hike meeting. And plug in two electric blankets this time. You wouldn’t want anyone to say the Avista Czar doesn’t lead by example.