Bowling: the saving grace of our America

Editor’s Note: This week Couch Slouch begins a two-part investigative series on “Bowling in America,” which entails visiting a bowling center and watching bowling on TV. Today’s report – based largely on bowling two games – will be overwhelmingly positive. Next week’s report – based largely on viewing several bowling telecasts – will be, well, not as overwhelmingly positive.

Where else in America would you rather be on a Tuesday afternoon than a bowling alley? At work? No. At a health club? No. At the mall? No. To bowl is to breathe; to strike is to soar.

(Of course, being a spare bowler, I seldom soar.)

This nation was built on a foundation of civil liberties, freedom of expression and weekend bowling. Somewhere along the line – and it’s not like I’m blaming MTV here, but it was pretty much around the time MTV started – we started deteriorating into a loud, abrasive America with no regard for our neighbors.

If everyone bowled just once a week, crime and road rage would be down, family values and grilled-cheese consumption would be up.

(Virtually every major world power in the annals of time that has ignored bowling – from the Roman empire to the Third Reich – has crumbled.)

I was heartened recently by an Associated Press story that contained the following words:

“Bowling is hot in high schools. … In fact, for boys and girls, no varsity sport is growing faster.”

Sixteen states now recognize bowling as a varsity sport.

(What are the other 34 waiting for, a pro-bowling Supreme Court? I’m organizing a march on Washington with other bowlers on this issue, though it’s going to be tough to work around everyone’s league schedule.)

Why shouldn’t the leaders of tomorrow bowl? I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts Harry Truman rolled a few lines. We’ve had a string of hucksters and shysters in the White House ever since, and I guarantee you not a single one could convert a 4-7-10 split.

In an attempt to be more contemporary, the business of bowling is changing, with promotions such as Rock ‘n Bowl and Xtreme Bowling.

(While I understand the need for innovative and hip marketing tools, I draw the line at “glow-in-the-dark” bowling. If memory serves me correctly, my first divorce was induced by a glow-in-the-dark incident.)

I ventured from my home lanes last week, driving to another nearby bowling center, AMF El Dorado Lanes in Los Angeles. You can walk into almost any bowling alley and feel as if you’ve been there before. It was cool, inviting and comfortable.

It felt like the library, only with hand blowers.

I sat down and took in the 32 lanes of safe harbor before I went to get my own lane, shoes and ball. At one’s fingertips, there is the coffee shop and the pro shop, the gumball machine and the quarter changer, pinball and air hockey.

All around me – and this is a bowling-house tradition – were signs directing or instructing customers on various fronts.

•”Please No Smoking Food or Drink Beyond This Point”

•”Not Responsible for Items Left in Lockers”

•”No Outside Food or Beverage Allowed in the Bowling Center”

•”No Person Under 21 Years of Age Allowed in the Lounge”

•”All Balls Left Over 30 Days Will Be Discarded”

•”No Refunds on Tokens”

•”Return Shoes Here”

•”Keep the Fun Rolling – Join a League”

•”Regulations Prohibit Us From Allowing a Patron to Carry More Than One Drink From the Bar Area”

I am proud to say I did not violate a single posted directive, plus I bowled a 144 and a 158 under tricky lane conditions. And just before I walked out, smiling all the way, I plunked a dollar into the vending machine and got me some Chili Cheese Fritos.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I turned on the TV Saturday and Fox’s Tony Siragusa was shouting at the top of lungs. Was there an emergency or something? (Jim Hutton; Sumter, S.C.)

A. I don’t know, but when I heard him, I instinctively crouched under my coffee table.

Q. It seems like every USC underclassman is leaving for the NFL. What does that tell you? (Casey Adams; Salt Lake City)

A. That ballroom dancing won’t be offered next year for credit.

Q. I heard on the World Series of Poker that young players are better thanks to all the time spent in front of their computers. Then I’m ready for the World Series of Minesweeper. (Thomas P. McNally; Cleveland)

A. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were sitting in on last Friday’s ESPN summer programming meeting.

Q. When Colin Montgomerie hits a golf ball, why does he look like he just smelled something? (Ken Younes; Crofton, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. The cost-of-living index keeps increasing. Don’t you think it’s time to increase the buck and a quarter? (Joe Smorowski; Parma, Ohio)

A. Postage just went up, pal. If anything, I should be thinking about a $1.15 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway to maintain my profit margins.