Tell Me About It: She hopes fiancé retires dud jokes

Dear Carolyn: I am engaged to a guy with lots of wonderful qualities, and a few bad habits I hope he will relinquish over time. One thing he does that is particularly embarrassing to me is to make (what he thinks are humorous) comments to friends about money. For example, he will say to people who are invited to our wedding that “nothing less than a thousand is accepted.” Everyone laughs, and he takes this as proof they know he’s just joking. He is a very outgoing person, and might be able to “get away with it,” but it makes me very uneasy, and I believe most people feel as I do and don’t appreciate or understand why he would make such a statement. He reads your column and respects your opinion, so I would very much appreciate hearing what you have to say on the subject. – K.

Sure. Hand him the newspaper for a sec.

Hi, Guy. Two bits of advice:

1. Please retire the joke. It’s harmless, but less so each time you use it.

2. Please rethink the marriage. Every harmless little quirk that she finds embarrassing now, she will find loathsome within five years.

OK, you can hand me back now.

K.: You don’t pluck a guy off a vine and wait for him to improve. He is not a tomato.

You are marrying all of his complexities, good and bad. If you’re marrying his “potential,” it means something you value is missing.

So. Unless there’s solid evidence that the “bad” things – and/or your acceptance of them – have changed for the better, you’re creating expectations of your marriage that are dangerously unrealistic.

He is who he is. Are you in?

Hi there: My wife and I have a good social life. She is very good about organizing get-togethers … in fact I give her credit for our even having a social life. However, at parties, she talks fast and almost interrupts herself as she is trying to communicate a point, and she also talks a lot. The combination seems to either confuse the listener or end the conversation. Any thoughts? – Need Help

I’ve got three answers, so you can pick your favorite.

1. Parties probably make her self-conscious, so she gets nervous and talks faster. Since calling attention to her social shortcomings will only make her more self-conscious, it’s best to leave her alone.

2. That she’s good at organizing get-togethers means people like her, and may in fact find her manner endearing. Even if they don’t, it still appears her speed-talking hasn’t doomed her socially, so leave her alone.

3. She’s doing her best. She’s being herself. She’s perfect. Leave her alone.